BlackBlueCoffee 4/1/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/1/25

A Great Love or a Great Illusion?Part 1

I am known as Phoebe, Divinely Guided by the Power of the Moon, Supported by the Strength and Determination of Saturn. I am a Devoted Child of Lilith, The Queen of the Damned

This acceptance and realization has embraced me along with some understanding and insight.

I recently went to an astrologer for a synastry reading to get some honest truths and understanding of this potential future that lies before me. There is a particular potential future with a potential someone; I will refer to this person as Wanderer. In this reading, the astrologer highlighted that our charts indicate many beautiful, complementary placements. There is potential for a passionate, adventurous , pleasure-filled, Spiritually-Aligned Partnership. She highlighted just how much of my type he is. His leadership qualities. His humor. His playfulness. His consideration. The vibrant, electric sensual and sexual connection we have to each other.

However, there is one significant placement that could indicate that he is an Illusion. A Trick. A potential Trap and Liability. My blood ran cold when she gave me that information. However, I was not surprised.

While our charts do indicate many lovely points of connection, there are some points that will cause friction. He triggers my shit and I definitely trigger his shit.

We haven’t really seen or spoken to each other for years. Our moms have been friends for decades. My parents adopted me out of foster care when I was a teenager. That is how he and I met, through our parents. As a teenage girl who had been neglected and abused and who was also very aware of other peoples’ projections of me; I was afraid all of the time. On a good day, I could pass for pretty and when this happened, people would make up all kinds of stories about me that were not true.

The way she dresses is for male attention.

FALSE.

She doesn’t talk to us because she thinks she’s better than us.

FALSE.

She’s a stuck up Bitch.

Can you guess what I am going to say???

I didn’t know it at the time. But as we got older and he went to college he would give me gifts. I did not know they were from him. My dad gave me those gifts as if they were from him. My dad lied to me.

Throughout the years as we got older. Very rarely would I think about him. When I did think about him, I hoped so much that he did not think about me. That he would forget about me. I wanted that for him so deeply. I knew when we were teenagers he had a crush on me. And that made me feel very sad for him. My self-worth did not exist at that time. I hated myself so deeply, that it took all of my strength to not end my life.

He was not aware of my inner thoughts about myself. He projected his desires and fears onto me, made assumptions. Those assumptions were wrong.

I was so aware of how fucked up I was in the head. The abuse that I experienced as a child was a real mind fuck. I knew it was up to me to heal myself. It would be no one else’s responsibility but my own. Also, I have always been able to feel my way through the world with very good accuracy, especially when it comes to people. So many people call themselves, “good” but are they really? When they live in denial and projection and blame and shame and manipulation? And they choose to not change those damaging habits. Are they really that “good”?

As a 15 year old girl, I looked more like a woman than a child. I was treated like a woman too. My adoptive mom would habitually remind me how “mature” I was for my age. If I ever dare to whine or complain or express my fear, the adults around me would withdraw and ignore me. I quickly learned to stifle my complaints and fears. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time because I was.

What I understand now, is that even as a teen, I was highly intuitive. I could sense what people were thinking about me when they looked me up and down. Sometimes it was criticism, like, “Uhg, too fat”, or “she seems kinda dumb” or “what’s wrong with her?”. Sometimes it was a backhanded compliment, “you have such a pretty face” or “you would be so much prettier if you lost some weight”, most people actually felt comfortable telling me this directly, no telepathy needed. The thoughts I spent the most energy blocking out came from some (not all) men, grown ass men, “she looks so much older than her age” or “foster care, huh? No one would believe her if I….”or “how can I get her alone with me?”. It was excruciating to know just how many men wanted to fuck a child. I never mentioned this to anyone because I knew no one would believe me. Not when these men appeared to be such “nice” guys.

This is just one example of how my intuition has saved my life.

I spent so much of my energy protecting myself. I just didn’t want to get raped again. I just wanted to be safe. I was very selective and careful with the friends I chose to trust and even kept those friends at a far distance.

When it comes to my intuition, I am now at a place where I trust my intuition first and other people second. Just like Nature intended.

This boy from my adolescence who is now a man. A married man. He had been giving me gifts for years without my knowing. I’m sure he thought this habit of his was harmless. Just like a man to not be aware of the impact of his actions on others.

To be continued……

Some music I listened to while writing this:

Lilith…..Kiki Rockwell

Pieces Of You…..Jewel

Lose My Breath…..Rhea Roberson

Wear Me Out…..CASHFORGOLD, Sidewalks and Skeletons, Mary Mortem

All up in my head…..Sara Diana

I Choose Me…..Amanati, Roniit
Lovers In A Past Life…..Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man

BlackBlueCoffee 3/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 3/2/25

The Spiritual Child

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

One book I am currently reading is called, “The Spiritual Child: The NEW SCIENCE on Parenting for Health and Lifelong Thriving” by Dr. Lisa Miller, PH.D. One idea she highlights and backs with scientific research is how children are naturally tuned into Spirit. Through play and their natural ability to live in the moment, they are tapped in. The past couple of days I have been reading chapter 4, “ A Soul Arrives”. One major theme this chapter goes over is how mindfulness plays into being able to tap into Spirituality and how infants, toddlers and young children do it effortlessly.

This morning I rode my bike to one of my favorite coffee shops to study Astrology and to enjoy a half-sweet mocha. I was sitting by myself and noticed a two-year old toddler walking by with his mother. His mother looked distracted and stressed. The toddler made eye contact with me and smiled.

I smiled back and waved a little wave.

He smiled and waved a little wave.

Him and his mom rounded the corner in the shop and I couldn’t see them.

Then he initiated a game of Peek-A-Boo. He would peek from around the corner, make eye contact and smile and giggle and then “hide” around the corner again. I played along, and tuned into him hiding around the corner and (acting “surprised”) when he peeked back to me and around and around the game went. This lasted for a few minutes. He was a sweet child. Of course, I was going to play peek-a-boo with him. As we were playing the game, I wondered what he was seeing and experiencing? Does he see my aura? Can he sense my Cancer Sun and Moon energies? (Cancer is considered the “Mother” of the Zodiac, btw; generally speaking kids naturally gravitate towards me).

After I left the cafe, my mind wandered back to the book and what I’ve been learning about how children are not only naturally playful, they are also naturally loving and ready to connect with the World in meaningful ways. Attunement comes naturally to them.

However.

We live in a World that is not always safe for children or adults. Children are completely reliant on their parents to provide safety, consistently, love and all the rest. Often, shit hits the fan, the babies and toddlers get older, they harden and “toughen up” because of the impact of certain lived experiences.

I cannot help but to wish and work for a World where there is less violence and exploitation for every living being. As someone who is currently consumed with doing Inner Child Healing so that I can reclaim what I have lost along the way; I know the pricelessness of being able to have deep Self-Trust in myself and my capabilities. It has taken me decades to just feel safe in my body.

One of my hopes for future generations is they grow up with the ability to trust their Inner Knowing despite the obstacles.

One can hope anyway…..

BlackBlueCoffee 2/25/25 BlackBlueCoffee 2/25/25

Astrology As A Tool For Understanding and Self-Awareness

Disclaimer

Before 2024 ended, I started learning more about how to read my birth/natal chart in order to better understand myself and my Soul’s Purpose. Everyday I learn more about this Esoteric Art, I fall in love with it more and more. Since we live in a world that is chock-full of Gaslighting and other forms of Manipulation, finding the tools that can help ourselves gain more Self-Trust is not only a wise investment for one’s peace of mind; it is also a quiet way of rebelling against the current matrix that is heavy on Fear and Disempowerment.

This past week I started a 16 week Astrology course with the Astrotwins. It is called Become Your Own Astrologer. I became aware of this program while mindlessly scrolling on Instagram. I checked to see if there was a payment plan offered, when I saw that there was a reasonable payment plan, I immediately signed up. Slowly and surely, I am piecing together my own Witch School to help me strengthen my intuition. It feels lovely to come together with others online once a week to learn about this subject. I feel less alone.

The natal chart is essentially divided like a pie. The slices of the pie vary from person to person for a variety of reasons. It contains a lot of information. One type of segment in the chart is referred to as a house, typically, the chart is divided into 12 houses. Each house represents a different area of life, it goes like this:

House 1: Relationship to Self

House 2: Best ways to make money, honey ;). Also, Values, Possessions, Desires

House 3: Local Community and Communications

House 4: Roots, Foundations, Family of Origin/People Grown Up With

House 5: Romance, Self-Expression, Art, and Pleasure

House 6: Work, Wellness, and Daily Routines

House 7: Relationships, Partnerships (including business and friendships)

House 8: Transformation, Sex, Wealth and Mystery

House 9: Long-distance travel, Spirituality, Higher Learning (could be Academic and/or Esoteric/Philosophical)

House 10: Career and Public Image

House 11: Community, Hopes, Goals

House 12: Connection to the Collective Unconscious, Spirituality, Creativity

Learning more about my chart has been deeply validating.

Here’s an example: when I was a teenager I went through the foster care system. I have never met my biological father and while growing up, my relationship with my birth mom was always disappointing and strained to say the least. At the age of 17, I decided it was best for my overall well-being and for the sake of my peace of mind; I decided to sever that relationship. I have not seen or spoken to my birth mom since my late teens.

My 4th House (Roots, Foundations, Family of Origin/People Grown Up With) is EMPTY. I have no planets or placements in the 4th House. For me, that is an absolute reflection of my lived experience. I have no ties to my biological parents. I have no ties to the people I grew up around. I had to be highly self-reliant as I grew up. To say I feel a certain level of detachment from my family of origin…is…yup. Obviously, this is just one interpretation of what an empty 4th house could mean for someone. There are more components to a birth chart that highlights nuance. It was an impactful moment for me to understand what the 4th house means and how it specifically reflects my lived experience.

For me, this is just one reason why Astrology is a worthwhile tool for Self-Awareness. Everytime I see a professional Astrologer for a reading, it feels like a highly therapeutic counseling session. I always leave feeling validated and empowered. It’s like Magick!!!!

One thing I really appreciate about Astrology is that it comes down to pattern recognition. This is one of the reasons why I appreciate Numerology, pattern recognition is a big piece of that puzzle. Once people learn the language of Astrology and Numerology, the rest is golden.

I know one major theme of this current lifetime for me is to live a dynamic, spiritual, witchy life OUT LOUD. To be an Out and Proud Witch. For a really long time, I thought I could get away with keeping my intuition a secret from everyone in my life. It turns out, my Soul insists on I outwardly use all of my gifts to co-create a life full of magick, wonder, creativity and to take up as much space as I need; in order to help other people to realize and own their special, unique gifts they are destined to offer the world as well. Everyone who is called to Awaken (not everyone will experience such a call) will need to go through a difficult transition period. I refer to this period of time as The Initiation. This can be a highly volatile and uncertain time. A lot of people who experience a Spiritual Awakening mistake the need for Ego Death as physical death and they complete suicide. Anytime anyone completes suicide, it is always tragic and painful. Having gone through the initiation myself, I understand the long, sleepless nights, the necessary shedding and letting go of what no longer serves; in order to advance in one’s Soul’s Purpose. It’s confusing, it’s lonely, feelings of bitterness and resentment bubble up.

Which brings me back to why Astrology is such a helpful tool to create more understanding of why we are here at Soul Level. Learning about my natal chart is a lot like looking at a map to see potential destinations. It helps me to feel grounded and supported.

I am excited to continue on my journey to learn more about the Esoteric Arts. Learning more about Energy, Spirituality and the Unnoticed validates why I am here. It has become comforting for me to KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am right where my Soul intended me to be. It feels Magickal and Powerful.

Music:

GASLIGHT!......Maggie Lindemann, Siiickbrain

THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND…..Bad Omens

V.A.N…..Bad Omens, Poppy

BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/25

Whore of babylon

Disclaimer

“I’d rather be hated and debated than hold the truth back”—Zheani

As a woman, I have noticed when you genuinely question the status quo that goes against capitalist and patriarchal ideals; it is very easy to be hated. Even more so when you clearly and directly communicate your boundaries.

I have always been aware of the expectations to fit into the predetermined mold of “acceptable” womanhood. That was never of interest to me. I remember, very clearly, as a teenager being surrounded by women who walked the tight rope of the “acceptable” woman trope. The stress and stain of their efforts were palpable to me. They were so busy being many things to other people that they really didn’t know who they were when they were by themselves, in silence. That is one reason why they needed to stay so busy. Because if they genuinely slowed down and really gave more thought and attention to their true, authentic selves; what would happen then??? Which relationships in their lives would feel more like a prison sentence? What if they really understood their worth? What would happen if they said, “No” more often?

As antiquated as it may seem; simply rejecting mainstream ideals such as marriage and other patriarchal norms….(haven’t we evolved since the 1950’s???) Many people still feel threatened when women refuse to subjugate themselves in the name of relationships and some kind of idea related to family. The feeling is: Conform OR Else. The fear of exile runs deeply in most people. Men are not immune to these internalized ideals of conformity either, they just get to experience a different flavor of internalized patriarchy.

So, in the wise words of Zheani, “I’d rather be hated and debated than hold the truth back”.

Question Everything.

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 1/25/25 BlackBlueCoffee 1/25/25

Attunement

Disclaimer

I came across this definition of attunement a couple of years ago. I can’t remember the original source. It is possible that I strung two different ideas into one. Either way, this is the most detailed depiction of what attunement is, to my current level of awareness.

Attunement: Kinesthetic and Emotional SenSing of Others; Knowing Their Rhythm, Affect and Experience by MetaPhorically being in their skin, and going Beyond Empathy to CREATE a 2 person Experience of Unbroken FEELING CONNECTEDNESS by providing a Reciprocal Affect and/or RESONATING Response.

Isn’t it ironic that all humans need attunement, especially in early life and yet, most people are denied this???

Current culture needs people to be starved of attunement. When people live with Deep, Inner Lack; they are easier to Control and Manipulate.

Music I listened to while writing this:

GASLIGHT!.....Maggie Lindemann, Siiickbrain

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 1/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 1/2/25

Calling in love

Disclaimer

I want to make Love to the World. I will explain.

As I tap into my intuition and mind’s eye and visualize what I want to experience in my life in 2025. What comes forward, is leaning into the unknown even when it scares me.

It means A Lot of Ego Death again, again and again.

I am making preparations to leave the country and to live a digital nomad lifestyle for a few years. One of my goals is to avoid experiencing the winter season for as long as I can.

When I think about how I want to call in more Love into my life, I think about how I want to be IN love with Life.

There is something about the vagabond lifestyle that inspires and reminds me to make the most out of every moment because life is just so fucking fleeting.

I want to experience love in each new city I live in.

I want to experience love in every cup of coffee I drink.

I want to experience love with every flower I touch.

Love is Vibrant, Expansive, and Strong.

I want Love and I want Evolution.

I am Love.

Expansion is inevitable.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 12/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 12/25/24

Looking IN The shadows in order to look forward

I am in the season of Reflection. As I want to make the most out of Capricorn Season and set myself up well for the start of 2025 (which is a 9 year; a year of completions and endings, according to numerology); I have been doing shadow work. Initially, I thought I would be able to wrap up focusing on shadow work before 2025…Not going to happen. I will be keeping up on investigating my dark side for a very long time.

The themes that keep showing up are: being able to sustain Self-Trust, especially with my Intuition. Stubbornness. Distraction. It is no secret to me that there are innumerable external sources that benefit from me not trusting myself; I know this to be true, and yet I still struggle with doubt, indecision, confusion.

I know on the other side of the doubt and confusion there is Freedom. Power. Pleasure. Illumination. Harmony. Passion. Love. Expansion.

So, how am I going to make it to the other side of Paradise???

Ritual–Whenever I am able to sustain my Rituals, I feel my power and connection To All That Is.
Relationships–I am now at a place in my Spiritual Awakening where I feel less discombobulated and more grounded and centered. I feel ready to make more connections in my community, which is exciting!
Reparenting Myself–I will continue to practice being my own kind, patient, understanding, nurturing parent while still holding myself accountable.

That is the start, at the very least.

I am looking forward to the upcoming ending of 2024. I am looking forward to 2025. You cannot have new a beginning without an ending.

Cheers!!!

May Peace Be With You.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/24

Contemplative thoughts

I have never been much for the approval of others. I have experimented with it and came up Empty. If I had been thoroughly consumed by it, I would have gotten Plastic Pretty. And focused on maintaining the male gaze to win as many “prizes” as possible. As a teenager, I met soooo many women in their 40’s and beyond who had no fucking clue who they were. And witnessed them chasing the approval of others. That struck me as desperately sad. It was a True Education to see people (of all genders, not just women) who had all of the “right” things on paper but they had sacrificed their sovereignty in the process. I Vowed that would never be me. I was fairly comfortable looking like a mess because I felt like a mess.

Investing in myself, exploring and acquiring Knowledge and building Self-Trust are investments that will continue to provide me with Abundance In All Forms.

True Love Is Everywhere.

Do You Feel It???

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 11/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 11/25/24

Healing the Witch Wound: Part 2

Disclaimer

I realize this kind of healing will be an ongoing process. Since I have been working on this specific wounding for a while, I feel like I have a little bit of perspective about healing the witch wound. The first step in healing this wound is Acknowledgement. When a person is able to stop gaslighting and minimizing themselves and accept their experience for what it is even though it is uncomfortable and scary, that is the first step in healing.

It has taken me a long time to stop talking myself out of how I experience the world. Because the way I experience this human experience is often messy, ugly and uncomfortable. I supposed that is why so many people self-sabotage themselves in this kind of healing. Because to heal in this way is to confront a lot of inconvenient truths and shadow parts. To heal in this way is to step into and through uncertainty. To heal in this way is to go through multiple sheddings. To heal in this way is to embrace change.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/24

This Past Week

This past week, I took some time off from work. I got to take the time to go at a slower pace, to practice gratitude for all that I have. I was able to linger for longer in the morning with my coffee. I bought myself a dozen orange roses. I cast a spell on Halloween. Best of all, I was not in a rush. Being more mindful and intentional about how I spend my time ; giving myself more range of motion. All of these little tasks that I practice, I do so out of self-love. One thing is for sure, if I don’t take the time and attention to love myself, no one will. If I don’t actively practice being my own kind, nurturing, loving parent; I will never receive the care that I yearn for. Don’t get me wrong, soon enough, I will be back at it with accomplishing and all of the rest. One goal I do have for myself is to become more consistent with slowing and savoring my time and space.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 10/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 10/25/24

Healing the Witch Wound…A Journey: Part One

As a person who has experienced resurfaced memories of past lives which includes multiple terrible deaths at the hands of wounded men; I have been procrastinating healing this deep witch wound that I am in possession of. I just haven’t prioritized it, until now. I was recently at a local witch shoppe and found a book called “Heal The Witch Wound: Reclaim Your Magic and Step Into Your Power” by Celeste Larsen. This is a book I did not know I needed in my life. I am grateful for it! I appreciate how Celeste describes the history of the “Burning Times”, as she calls it. The gruesome and fearful reality so many of us lived (at soul level). Being shouldered with the desire to claim authenticity, Inner Wisdom and the Healing Arts and the reality that could lead to torture and death. As I read the passages about this history, I observed the rage bubbling up inside of my soul. The injustice and heartbreak of it all…it can feel all consuming.

I also noted how, as I grew up, I contorted myself into something watered down, to not be too expressive ; to blur my boundaries. Like we all experienced, I was actively rewarded for not having firm boundaries in my life, it ultimately harmed me.

The way this wound has shown up in my life was to remain quiet even while I was being hurt. I carried the belief that no one would believe me anyway, which is rational considering how so many people don’t know how to support those who have experienced abuse. As a child, I had a stutter, which literally made it difficult for me to express myself with words. This wound has been with me all my life but it was difficult to see it ; especially when I was in denial about my witchiness.

I know with each deliberate step I take to heal and practice my witchcraft, I heal more and more; slowly and surely.

Music:

Burn Your Village by Kiki Rockwell
Which Witch by Florence and the Machine

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 10/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 10/2/24

A quote from one who fell from a high place

“I feel like role models today are not meant to be put on a pedestal. But more like angels with broken wings.”

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender”.—Tupac Shakur

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 9/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 9/25/24

Quote from a master :)

“Much of what I do is to try to have people switch from reactive to curious. But that curiosity means that they are willing to enter empathically and respectfully into the realm of another person, whose narrative is completely different.”—Esther Perel

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 9/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 9/2/24

40

Disclaimer

It has been said that everything we do and experience before the age of 40 is just research. After 40, things can get a little more clear. That is, if people are doing their Inner Work. There are plenty of people who willfully ignore their soul’s whispers for fear of change. Sunk-cost fallacy. The truth is, change is happening every single second. Are you going to be adaptable and lean into your curiosity? Or are you going to dig in your heels and screech and yell and forbid yourself to change, grow, evolve??? I understand change is scary especially when the path is considerably less traveled, it can be lonely; it can be frustrating because there will be so many challenges and tests. However, often, when people refuse to deepen their relationship with themselves and their soul’s purpose; life can be extremely difficult. Getting abruptly fired from the job you thought you would have until retirement, relationships needing to be restructured or exited. This is the time when a lot of people experience getting ill (often the illness isn’t easily diagnosable, always rooted in chronic stress). It’s ironic how everything is changing all of the time but the human ego puts up quite a fight. We live in a culture that benefits from people being confused about who they really are. When people truly understand themselves and don’t get easily triggered into a fear based response, they are less likely to be manipulable.

Music I listened to while writing this and thinking about life:

Life Itself…..Glass Animals

Youth……Glass Animals

Pork Soda…..Glass Animals

Cane Shuga…..Glass Animals

The Other Side of Paradise…..Glass Animals

Poplar St…..Glass Animals

Agnes…..Glass Animals

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 8/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 8/25/24

Sexual health at the Methodone clinic

Disclaimer

While I worked at a methadone clinic, one of the things I got to do was to choose an evidenced based curriculum to work with while facilitating group therapy sessions. Human sexuality has been a lifelong fascination of mine. When I was a teenager and wanting to learn more about communication and boundaries, I found the website www.scarleteen.com. This website confirmed a lot of what I felt to be true ; that sexuality is varied and there are layers to it and the foundation for healthy sexuality is communication. I grew up listening to and reading Dan Savage and adored watching episodes of Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson.

The population of people I worked with at the methadone clinic struggled hard with communication and boundaries. A lot of the people there had many years or decades of experiencing being trampled on, figuratively, emotionally and physically.

When I discovered this curriculum titled, “Sexual Health in Drug and Alcohol Treatment”, written by Douglas Braun-Harvey, I knew I had discovered a gem! Unfortunately, a lot of parents and schools don’t model explicitly healthy ways for honoring boundaries and having uncomfortable conversations in a prosocial manner. When I learned about the 6 Principles of Sexual Health, I knew I had discovered Truth.

The following is what I have adapted from the work of Douglas Braun-Harvey:

Consent–It is an agreement. Just because you say yes and agree to one thing, does not automatically mean you are agreeing and saying yes to all things. Get explicit about it, make no assumptions. Consider eye contact and body language. Universal concept, every culture has an understanding of consent and how important it is for bodily and emotional autonomy.

Quick Communication Breakdown: 7% of our communication relies on verbal (words we say). 38 % is paraverbal which is our tone (how we say things). 55% is nonverbal which is facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, body language, proxemics, and touch.
2. Non-Exploitative–Things to consider: Power dynamics, age, gender, socio-economic status, relationship roles, sexual orientation. How do power dynamics impact the relationship? Are you aware when you are being controlling and manipulative towards other people and/or are you aware when other people are being controlling and manipulative towards you?

3. Honesty–What is the intention of this sexual relationship? How transparent are you about expectations and/or limitations of the relationship? Are there conversations about sexual experiences outside of that relationship such as masturbation, porn, sexual contact with other people including sexting ; is transparency about these activities important to one or all who are involved in the relationship? Are you able to be honest about your wants, needs and boundaries even if that could potentially bring embarrassment or strain or rejection to the relationship?

4. Shared Values–Is there an understanding of what is important within the sexual relationship for all participants? How do curiosity, honesty, adventurousness, and other values play into the relationship? Are they honored?

5. Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety–Having conversations around safety. What are the important factors that go into feeling safe within the relationship? How aware are you of your personal needs for emotional safety; can you communicate those needs? What is the agreement on contraception?

6. Mutual Pleasure–How important is it that sexual experiences are mutually pleasurable and beneficial? Are all participants in the relationship able to authentically express themselves? How is desire expressed and/or received?

What is your own vision of sexual health for you?

I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone consistently received this education (at age appropriate intervals). How much more connected would we be with ourselves? How would relationships : all relationships–working, familial, romantic, ect ; how would relationships be different?????

Some music I listened to while writing this:

Sex Yeah……….MARINA
How to Be a Heartbreaker………MARINA
Let’s Talk About Sex………Salt-N-Pepa
Fetish……….Selena Gomez (feat. Gucci Mane)
Streets……….Doja Cat
Glory Box……….Portishead
I Feel Like I’m Drowning……….Two Feet
caroline…………Artemas
Transgender………..Crystal Castles

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24

I AM

Disclaimer

As I transition more and more into my authentic, soul aligned work ; I Am taking a moment to contemplate where I have been, where I currently Am and what the future holds for me and my soul family. I feel deep gratitude for the sorrow, the pain, the loneliness. For those were the truest instigators of quiet, profound reflection. All of those moments helped to guide me to where I currently Am. I Am in a State of Belonging To And Within Myself. I Know Myself, I Trust Myself. In a world that feeds off of confusion and pain ; to Know Oneself is True Wealth and Abundance.

What I was listening to as I wrote this:

Meditative Mind : 999 Hz: Highest Spiritual Vibration Transcendence Frequency Sound Bath

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24

?’s

What does Healing Mean to You?
What does Healing Look like to You?
What does Healing Feel like to You?

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 7/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 7/25/24

DADDY ISSUES

Disclaimer

We are all a bit fucked up when it comes to Daddy. In my case, it gets a bit dark.

Born to a teenage mother, I never met my biological father. I used to wonder how my life would have gone if he had stuck around. I don’t wonder about that anymore.

The father figures in my life and how they have affected me has ranged from mild to Severe.

For roughly the first decade of this life, father figure#1 resented my existence. There was violence even in the silence.

Intimidation, manipulation, aggression were some of the ways he chose to relate to me. I hated being near him, he felt like simmering Toxicity.

Between father figure#1 and father figure#2, there were random boyfriends in the times that my biological mom and ff#1 was split up.

I was either an obstacle ; in their way. Or, I was someone they could take from. I was afraid all of the time.

When I was about 11, ff#2 came into the picture. He was a little more stable than the first one. Had no idea how to regulate his own emotions. He was like an overgrown child. He often referred to himself as a Good, “Nice-Guy”.

“Nice-Guy” Qualities (some of them)

Not aware of his own boundaries and certainly cannot communicate them
Needs to be SEEN as a Nice-Guy, even though he actually isn’t that nice at all
No depth, only surface level
Very far and away from his authentic self
Entitled (“I’m sooo nice, people should be nice to me. All women should feel safe around me. I’m sooo nice.”)

One catch about the “Nice-Guy” is that they will not think twice to dispose of the people closest or farthest to them in order to save their own skin

He looks like a law abiding citizen. Truth is, if he can get away with it without drawing unwanted attention to himself, he’ll do it
Lacks his own moral compass. Has internalized most or all of societal expectations. Cannot think for himself. In this way he mostly resembles a puppet
Will not acknowledge his shadow side ; the more he tries to suppress and hide this part of himself, the more pronounced it becomes

By the time I met and moved in with my then foster/future adoptive family when I was 13 ; I had been trained to always walk on my tip toes, never let my guard down. What I had been trained to do for as long as I could remember was to anticipate what people wanted from me and then give it to them, it was so much easier. This is why I preferred to be alone, I could actually breathe when I was alone.

ff#3, my adoptive father. Also, such a “Nice-Guy”. College educated. Respectable, whatever that means. For as long as I have known him, he has referred to his childhood as a “Leave It To Beaver” type of childhood. His father had a stable career that put food on the table and paid the bills, his mother did not work outside of the home. “Leave It To Beaver”….riiiiigghhhhtt.

ff#3’s main purpose in life was to be a Daddy-Husband to his wife. ff#3: Codependent and an Enabler. A perfect match to some who needed Saving and Constant Reassurance.

My adoptive mother had an abusive childhood and was used as a workhorse by both of her parents. She continues to refuse to do her own inner work and struggles to acknowledge these uncomfortable truths. Instead, whenever the topic of an abusive childhood came up, the focus was all on me. I’m the one who wound up in foster care. I’m the one who experienced unspeakable abuse.

Unless, it was to their benefit to deny my reality of pain and neglect, then I was told that my upbringing, “Wasn’t that bad”.

My adoptive parents: one is an Enabler ; the other is a perpetual Victim that no one understands.

I remember the first time I met my adoptive mother’s father. The second I locked eyes with him I felt Cold Cold Cold and Numb all over. I took this to be a sign to NEVER EVER be alone with this man.

I remember that first visit. My adoptive mom did most of the talking. The subtext of that conversation was:

My adoptive mom: “DaddyDaddyDaddy, look at me, look at me, look at me. Please be proud of me Please!!!!”---Like I said, we are ALL a bit fucked up when it comes to Daddy.

Navigating the social atmosphere of high school was stressful. I experienced quite a bit of harassment from boys and girls. When I went to both of my adoptive parents for support on how to deal with this kind of attention, specifically from boys, I was told:

“That means they like you. They just want your attention”. Then I was dismissed. This piece of advice certainly hasn’t aged well. At that time, I stopped talking about the harassment. It was clear they both wanted me to keep my mouth shut about this.

No wonder so many people are so fucked up when it comes to relationships. So many people refuse to acknowledge, talk about and process the dysfunction or straight up abuse—instead—Denial—Denial—Denial.

Since ff#3’s energy and attention went mostly to his wife to support her in every way possible, our relationship as a father and daughter was nonexistent. When I was a teenager, it didn’t matter to me because I hated men anyway. I was mostly afraid. Besides, his idea of what fatherhood is…

FATHERHOOD:

He did not abuse me, so that made him a good father.
He provided a house and basic needs with some fun road trips and vacations thrown in for good measure.

What else does a father need to do or be???

The fact that both of these parents assumed I was okay and blatantly ignored my emotional needs just because I was existing near them speaks volumes about their emotional neglect and lack of emotional intelligence.

While I was in my early 30’s and doing some intense healing revolving around my upbringing, I confronted ff#3. About how abandoned I felt as a teenager and in my 20’s.

His response: “You were so mature for your age. You had us fooled. We thought you were fine”. And went on to describe how self-sufficient I was as a teen. Self-indulgent, lazy parental leadership.

I started dating when I was a teenager. One quality about relationships I picked up on very early was:

Interactions were transactional (in a distorted way) ; attached with narrow expectation. I will give you attention as long as you meet my idea of you. Never step outside of the limitations I have set forth for you. One or both participants in the relationship are always striving to control the other. It's a trap. This is such an ingrained reality of relationships that most people do not see this. On occasion, when they do finally see this Truth, they are trapped and are in danger of staying trapped for the rest of their lives.
As a teen, I understood that in order to be in a relationship, you have to hide core parts of yourself. Being authentic was not celebrated. It was met with judgment and fear.

Besides, patriarchal rule despises Self-Possessed women. They are not controllable. Unruly.

When I was fourteen I knew it was up to me to heal my emotional and spiritual wounds. I knew it would take me a long time. I knew I had to be the one to heal myself. Often, I have felt dizzy from all of the turns and dead ends. How do I return to myself when I don’t know what that even feels like??? I refused to give up. I refused to put all of my hopes and lust for life into one person outside of myself. I chose to forgo a long-term, romantic relationship so I could dedicate all of my energy, love and support to my Healing. I have no regrets about this.

Throughout my career as a substance use counselor I have been confronted by my own biases and blind spots when it comes to providing a safe space for people to explore their own pain and healing and potential growth. This has been especially true with the men I have worked with.

I have had some very honest conversations with male co-workers who disclosed to me their own experiences of abuse when they were children. I had no idea how validating it would be for me to receive their perspective of their own personal hell. All throughout my teenage years and 20’s, I viewed men as a Potential Obstacle. I always had exit strategies in place. For a really long time it was comfortable for me to deny them their complicated, messy humanness.

Navigating my role as a counselor, while still holding my own trauma and healing and humanness ; I have had some tough lessons. At the beginning of my career when I worked at a methadone clinic, a male patient stormed into my office and started yelling at me. I immediately felt angry and many thoughts flooded my mind all at once:

“Who the fuck does this fucker think he is, yelling at me??? I don’t allow no man to treat me this way! He needs to get the fuck out of my face!!! Get out! Get out! Get out!!!!!”

I started yelling back and I did not hold back. I did not insult him, I kept the focus on protecting myself. This was a situation that could have escalated into physical violence towards me. I’m grateful that it didn’t. My supervisor came into the office and helped to de-escalate the situation. One of the lessons I took from that was that I still felt like such a target for male violence. I still felt so afraid.

A few weeks later, this male patient was back in my office. We had been talking for a little while, then he disclosed how he felt so afraid of not being able to provide for his wife and daughter. He had been to prison multiple times. He had a lot of barriers to finding a job. He started crying in my office. I held my breath and was achingly aware that I was more uncomfortable witnessing him cry and express vulnerability than I was with him displaying anger. This highlighted to me how much more healing I had to do for myself. How much more releasing I had to do. This highlighted how much I had internalized the idea of a man. I had internalized that men don’t cry.

While I was still working at the methadone clinic, there was another male patient I worked with for a couple of months. He looked more like a Frat Bro than someone who struggled with intense opioid addiction. During one of our counseling sessions, he disclosed how as a child he experienced sexual abuse by a man. I could feel his agony and profound confusion. I could sense the Emotional Labyrinth he was in. I could relate so deeply to his pain and humiliation. I allowed myself to feel deep empathy towards him and where he was.

When I had been so deep in my own agony, I just couldn’t think or even care about how some boys and men experience rape too. It didn’t even occur to me. And the vicious cycle it creates when it comes to men and women interacting within relationships. Under strict, patriarchal rule ; it is assumed that boys and men don’t have to worry about rape. Or emotional neglect, manipulation, invalidation because real, tough boys and men would never let that happen to them. Because under strict, patriarchal rule they need to be in control, stoic, unfeeling and to dominate when they feel the need to ; emotionally speaking, they are simple. This couldn’t be further from the Truth. When boys and men and the reality that they too are vulnerable to familial, partner or sexual violence is denied, so too, is their Full Humanity.

This is just one reason why Daddy Issues exist.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Daddy Issues…..The Neighborhood
Formula…..Labrinth
S.L.U.T.…..ppcocaine
Harley Quinn…..Princess Nokia
you should see me in a crown…..Billie Eilish
Gasoline…..Halsey
Rebel Girl…..Bikini Kill
Falling Away From Me…..Korn
STUPID…..Ashnikko, Baby Tate
Father Daughter Dance…..Kesha
Slave…..Ramsey

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 7/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 7/2/24

I Belong to myself

Disclaimer

I have been on a quest to understand myself for as long as I can remember. Trauma is what spurred this mazzy search for myself. I understood, even as a young child, that I had to develop an intimate relationship with myself. People come and go. Sometimes, the biological family you are born into ; you will not know them by the time you are in your mid-20’s. They are a memory, sometimes a nightmare. Distant distant distant. It is for the best. Not meant to be forever. Everything changes. What is birthed must also die, in one way or another.

Beginning with one family; stepping into another family; only to see and feel and finally realize their own brand of Dysfunction and Denial. Justifying their criticisms, stating, it is for my own good, for my growth. Ignoring their own accountability for what they brought into the relationship.

Fuck that shit.

I make no room for people who believe they have a right to claim their supposed superiority over me.

Fuck that shit.

For years, I was achingly aware that I was hanging by a thread. Not feeling like I belong anywhere. Feeling like a burden no matter what. For years, I tried being “good”, not flinching when they stepped on my toes. I was afraid my pain would be too much for them. Turns out, they really didn’t care.

Through all of those experiences and more…I have come to understand that I belong to myself. Through all of the foggy confusion, the searing pain, the loneliness and the will to carry on. I belong to myself. I know myself. I trust myself. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. All of the Inner Work I am dedicated to ; has a very big pay off. I get to live authentically. I get to create a life that is in alignment with my values and desires. None of this comes for free or without effort. It takes Discipline. It takes Will.

This past Sunday was my very last online cohort meeting with Headspace. I have completed the mental health coaching training. Yay!!! I feel very proud. Finishing this program highlights that I am at the precipice of a brand new chapter. I am so excited and so grateful. At this moment I feel very much In Love with Life and the World. Sooooo looking forward to meeting new people, going to new places and having newer, joyous adventures.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Smalltown Boy…..Bronski Beat

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

Love Surrounds You…..Ramsey
Sway…..So Below

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 6/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 6/25/24

Bike commuting

Disclaimer

I have an hour and 45 minute commute by E-bike throughout the work week. Along my commute, I bike through very Portlandia neighborhoods, over the Tilikum bridge, along the river where I often see at least a dozen sail boats during the summer months ; I pedal along some hills where I can see an expansive view of downtown, the river and one of the mountains (I don’t know which one, I am terrible at geographic landmarks). This commute feels very storybook. I don’t ever have to deal with traffic, which enhances my quality of life. Some other benefits of my commute include:

Experiencing more Beauty in my everyday routine
Engaging in my mindfulness practice (being on a bike, I am tuned into my body and my surroundings)
Balance (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) which leans into feeling more grounded by the time I arrive to work
Maintaining strength
Exposure to fresh air and the natural essential oils the trees and other plants produce
I develop a more intimate understanding of the environment I bike though and feel into the energetic imprints of certain places
It is very calming to bike along a body of water, helps to reduce stress. Yay!
At night, I get to witness the twinkling lights of the city which feels magickal
I also use some of the time to speak with my higher self and guides. This helps me to feel more clear and focused on my goals

Simply put, I am grateful I can get from point A to point B in this way. I reap so many benefits that elevates my abilities to be in a helping profession. For me, having this routine enhances my concentration and prepares me for having to be confined to an office for 8 hours straight.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.