BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/24

Contemplative thoughts

I have never been much for the approval of others. I have experimented with it and came up Empty. If I had been thoroughly consumed by it, I would have gotten Plastic Pretty. And focused on maintaining the male gaze to win as many “prizes” as possible. As a teenager, I met soooo many women in their 40’s and beyond who had no fucking clue who they were. And witnessed them chasing the approval of others. That struck me as desperately sad. It was a True Education to see people (of all genders, not just women) who had all of the “right” things on paper but they had sacrificed their sovereignty in the process. I Vowed that would never be me. I was fairly comfortable looking like a mess because I felt like a mess.

Investing in myself, exploring and acquiring Knowledge and building Self-Trust are investments that will continue to provide me with Abundance In All Forms.

True Love Is Everywhere.

Do You Feel It???

BlackBlueCoffee 11/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 11/25/24

Healing the Witch Wound: Part 2

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

I realize this kind of healing will be an ongoing process. Since I have been working on this specific wounding for a while, I feel like I have a little bit of perspective about healing the witch wound. The first step in healing this wound is Acknowledgement. When a person is able to stop gaslighting and minimizing themselves and accept their experience for what it is even though it is uncomfortable and scary, that is the first step in healing.

It has taken me a long time to stop talking myself out of how I experience the world. Because the way I experience this human experience is often messy, ugly and uncomfortable. I supposed that is why so many people self-sabotage themselves in this kind of healing. Because to heal in this way is to confront a lot of inconvenient truths and shadow parts. To heal in this way is to step into and through uncertainty. To heal in this way is to go through multiple sheddings. To heal in this way is to embrace change.

BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/24

This Past Week

This past week, I took some time off from work. I got to take the time to go at a slower pace, to practice gratitude for all that I have. I was able to linger for longer in the morning with my coffee. I bought myself a dozen orange roses. I cast a spell on Halloween. Best of all, I was not in a rush. Being more mindful and intentional about how I spend my time ; giving myself more range of motion. All of these little tasks that I practice, I do so out of self-love. One thing is for sure, if I don’t take the time and attention to love myself, no one will. If I don’t actively practice being my own kind, nurturing, loving parent; I will never receive the care that I yearn for. Don’t get me wrong, soon enough, I will be back at it with accomplishing and all of the rest. One goal I do have for myself is to become more consistent with slowing and savoring my time and space.

BlackBlueCoffee 10/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 10/25/24

Healing the Witch Wound…A Journey: Part One

As a person who has experienced resurfaced memories of past lives which includes multiple terrible deaths at the hands of wounded men; I have been procrastinating healing this deep witch wound that I am in possession of. I just haven’t prioritized it, until now. I was recently at a local witch shoppe and found a book called “Heal The Witch Wound: Reclaim Your Magic and Step Into Your Power” by Celeste Larsen. This is a book I did not know I needed in my life. I am grateful for it! I appreciate how Celeste describes the history of the “Burning Times”, as she calls it. The gruesome and fearful reality so many of us lived (at soul level). Being shouldered with the desire to claim authenticity, Inner Wisdom and the Healing Arts and the reality that could lead to torture and death. As I read the passages about this history, I observed the rage bubbling up inside of my soul. The injustice and heartbreak of it all…it can feel all consuming.

I also noted how, as I grew up, I contorted myself into something watered down, to not be too expressive ; to blur my boundaries. Like we all experienced, I was actively rewarded for not having firm boundaries in my life, it ultimately harmed me.

The way this wound has shown up in my life was to remain quiet even while I was being hurt. I carried the belief that no one would believe me anyway, which is rational considering how so many people don’t know how to support those who have experienced abuse. As a child, I had a stutter, which literally made it difficult for me to express myself with words. This wound has been with me all my life but it was difficult to see it ; especially when I was in denial about my witchiness.

I know with each deliberate step I take to heal and practice my witchcraft, I heal more and more; slowly and surely.

Music:

Burn Your Village by Kiki Rockwell
Which Witch by Florence and the Machine

BlackBlueCoffee 10/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 10/2/24

A quote from one who fell from a high place

“I feel like role models today are not meant to be put on a pedestal. But more like angels with broken wings.”

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender”.—Tupac Shakur

BlackBlueCoffee 9/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 9/25/24

Quote from a master :)

“Much of what I do is to try to have people switch from reactive to curious. But that curiosity means that they are willing to enter empathically and respectfully into the realm of another person, whose narrative is completely different.”—Esther Perel

BlackBlueCoffee 9/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 9/2/24

40

Disclaimer

It has been said that everything we do and experience before the age of 40 is just research. After 40, things can get a little more clear. That is, if people are doing their Inner Work. There are plenty of people who willfully ignore their soul’s whispers for fear of change. Sunk-cost fallacy. The truth is, change is happening every single second. Are you going to be adaptable and lean into your curiosity? Or are you going to dig in your heels and screech and yell and forbid yourself to change, grow, evolve??? I understand change is scary especially when the path is considerably less traveled, it can be lonely; it can be frustrating because there will be so many challenges and tests. However, often, when people refuse to deepen their relationship with themselves and their soul’s purpose; life can be extremely difficult. Getting abruptly fired from the job you thought you would have until retirement, relationships needing to be restructured or exited. This is the time when a lot of people experience getting ill (often the illness isn’t easily diagnosable, always rooted in chronic stress). It’s ironic how everything is changing all of the time but the human ego puts up quite a fight. We live in a culture that benefits from people being confused about who they really are. When people truly understand themselves and don’t get easily triggered into a fear based response, they are less likely to be manipulable.

Music I listened to while writing this and thinking about life:

Life Itself…..Glass Animals

Youth……Glass Animals

Pork Soda…..Glass Animals

Cane Shuga…..Glass Animals

The Other Side of Paradise…..Glass Animals

Poplar St…..Glass Animals

Agnes…..Glass Animals

BlackBlueCoffee 8/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 8/25/24

Sexual health at the Methodone clinic

Disclaimer

While I worked at a methadone clinic, one of the things I got to do was to choose an evidenced based curriculum to work with while facilitating group therapy sessions. Human sexuality has been a lifelong fascination of mine. When I was a teenager and wanting to learn more about communication and boundaries, I found the website www.scarleteen.com. This website confirmed a lot of what I felt to be true ; that sexuality is varied and there are layers to it and the foundation for healthy sexuality is communication. I grew up listening to and reading Dan Savage and adored watching episodes of Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson.

The population of people I worked with at the methadone clinic struggled hard with communication and boundaries. A lot of the people there had many years or decades of experiencing being trampled on, figuratively, emotionally and physically.

When I discovered this curriculum titled, “Sexual Health in Drug and Alcohol Treatment”, written by Douglas Braun-Harvey, I knew I had discovered a gem! Unfortunately, a lot of parents and schools don’t model explicitly healthy ways for honoring boundaries and having uncomfortable conversations in a prosocial manner. When I learned about the 6 Principles of Sexual Health, I knew I had discovered Truth.

The following is what I have adapted from the work of Douglas Braun-Harvey:

Consent–It is an agreement. Just because you say yes and agree to one thing, does not automatically mean you are agreeing and saying yes to all things. Get explicit about it, make no assumptions. Consider eye contact and body language. Universal concept, every culture has an understanding of consent and how important it is for bodily and emotional autonomy.

Quick Communication Breakdown: 7% of our communication relies on verbal (words we say). 38 % is paraverbal which is our tone (how we say things). 55% is nonverbal which is facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, body language, proxemics, and touch.
2. Non-Exploitative–Things to consider: Power dynamics, age, gender, socio-economic status, relationship roles, sexual orientation. How do power dynamics impact the relationship? Are you aware when you are being controlling and manipulative towards other people and/or are you aware when other people are being controlling and manipulative towards you?

3. Honesty–What is the intention of this sexual relationship? How transparent are you about expectations and/or limitations of the relationship? Are there conversations about sexual experiences outside of that relationship such as masturbation, porn, sexual contact with other people including sexting ; is transparency about these activities important to one or all who are involved in the relationship? Are you able to be honest about your wants, needs and boundaries even if that could potentially bring embarrassment or strain or rejection to the relationship?

4. Shared Values–Is there an understanding of what is important within the sexual relationship for all participants? How do curiosity, honesty, adventurousness, and other values play into the relationship? Are they honored?

5. Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety–Having conversations around safety. What are the important factors that go into feeling safe within the relationship? How aware are you of your personal needs for emotional safety; can you communicate those needs? What is the agreement on contraception?

6. Mutual Pleasure–How important is it that sexual experiences are mutually pleasurable and beneficial? Are all participants in the relationship able to authentically express themselves? How is desire expressed and/or received?

What is your own vision of sexual health for you?

I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone consistently received this education (at age appropriate intervals). How much more connected would we be with ourselves? How would relationships : all relationships–working, familial, romantic, ect ; how would relationships be different?????

Some music I listened to while writing this:

Sex Yeah……….MARINA
How to Be a Heartbreaker………MARINA
Let’s Talk About Sex………Salt-N-Pepa
Fetish……….Selena Gomez (feat. Gucci Mane)
Streets……….Doja Cat
Glory Box……….Portishead
I Feel Like I’m Drowning……….Two Feet
caroline…………Artemas
Transgender………..Crystal Castles

BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24

I AM

Disclaimer

As I transition more and more into my authentic, soul aligned work ; I Am taking a moment to contemplate where I have been, where I currently Am and what the future holds for me and my soul family. I feel deep gratitude for the sorrow, the pain, the loneliness. For those were the truest instigators of quiet, profound reflection. All of those moments helped to guide me to where I currently Am. I Am in a State of Belonging To And Within Myself. I Know Myself, I Trust Myself. In a world that feeds off of confusion and pain ; to Know Oneself is True Wealth and Abundance.

What I was listening to as I wrote this:

Meditative Mind : 999 Hz: Highest Spiritual Vibration Transcendence Frequency Sound Bath

BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 8/2/24

?’s

What does Healing Mean to You?
What does Healing Look like to You?
What does Healing Feel like to You?

BlackBlueCoffee 7/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 7/25/24

DADDY ISSUES

Disclaimer

We are all a bit fucked up when it comes to Daddy. In my case, it gets a bit dark.

Born to a teenage mother, I never met my biological father. I used to wonder how my life would have gone if he had stuck around. I don’t wonder about that anymore.

The father figures in my life and how they have affected me has ranged from mild to Severe.

For roughly the first decade of this life, father figure#1 resented my existence. There was violence even in the silence.

Intimidation, manipulation, aggression were some of the ways he chose to relate to me. I hated being near him, he felt like simmering Toxicity.

Between father figure#1 and father figure#2, there were random boyfriends in the times that my biological mom and ff#1 was split up.

I was either an obstacle ; in their way. Or, I was someone they could take from. I was afraid all of the time.

When I was about 11, ff#2 came into the picture. He was a little more stable than the first one. Had no idea how to regulate his own emotions. He was like an overgrown child. He often referred to himself as a Good, “Nice-Guy”.

“Nice-Guy” Qualities (some of them)

Not aware of his own boundaries and certainly cannot communicate them
Needs to be SEEN as a Nice-Guy, even though he actually isn’t that nice at all
No depth, only surface level
Very far and away from his authentic self
Entitled (“I’m sooo nice, people should be nice to me. All women should feel safe around me. I’m sooo nice.”)

One catch about the “Nice-Guy” is that they will not think twice to dispose of the people closest or farthest to them in order to save their own skin

He looks like a law abiding citizen. Truth is, if he can get away with it without drawing unwanted attention to himself, he’ll do it
Lacks his own moral compass. Has internalized most or all of societal expectations. Cannot think for himself. In this way he mostly resembles a puppet
Will not acknowledge his shadow side ; the more he tries to suppress and hide this part of himself, the more pronounced it becomes

By the time I met and moved in with my then foster/future adoptive family when I was 13 ; I had been trained to always walk on my tip toes, never let my guard down. What I had been trained to do for as long as I could remember was to anticipate what people wanted from me and then give it to them, it was so much easier. This is why I preferred to be alone, I could actually breathe when I was alone.

ff#3, my adoptive father. Also, such a “Nice-Guy”. College educated. Respectable, whatever that means. For as long as I have known him, he has referred to his childhood as a “Leave It To Beaver” type of childhood. His father had a stable career that put food on the table and paid the bills, his mother did not work outside of the home. “Leave It To Beaver”….riiiiigghhhhtt.

ff#3’s main purpose in life was to be a Daddy-Husband to his wife. ff#3: Codependent and an Enabler. A perfect match to some who needed Saving and Constant Reassurance.

My adoptive mother had an abusive childhood and was used as a workhorse by both of her parents. She continues to refuse to do her own inner work and struggles to acknowledge these uncomfortable truths. Instead, whenever the topic of an abusive childhood came up, the focus was all on me. I’m the one who wound up in foster care. I’m the one who experienced unspeakable abuse.

Unless, it was to their benefit to deny my reality of pain and neglect, then I was told that my upbringing, “Wasn’t that bad”.

My adoptive parents: one is an Enabler ; the other is a perpetual Victim that no one understands.

I remember the first time I met my adoptive mother’s father. The second I locked eyes with him I felt Cold Cold Cold and Numb all over. I took this to be a sign to NEVER EVER be alone with this man.

I remember that first visit. My adoptive mom did most of the talking. The subtext of that conversation was:

My adoptive mom: “DaddyDaddyDaddy, look at me, look at me, look at me. Please be proud of me Please!!!!”---Like I said, we are ALL a bit fucked up when it comes to Daddy.

Navigating the social atmosphere of high school was stressful. I experienced quite a bit of harassment from boys and girls. When I went to both of my adoptive parents for support on how to deal with this kind of attention, specifically from boys, I was told:

“That means they like you. They just want your attention”. Then I was dismissed. This piece of advice certainly hasn’t aged well. At that time, I stopped talking about the harassment. It was clear they both wanted me to keep my mouth shut about this.

No wonder so many people are so fucked up when it comes to relationships. So many people refuse to acknowledge, talk about and process the dysfunction or straight up abuse—instead—Denial—Denial—Denial.

Since ff#3’s energy and attention went mostly to his wife to support her in every way possible, our relationship as a father and daughter was nonexistent. When I was a teenager, it didn’t matter to me because I hated men anyway. I was mostly afraid. Besides, his idea of what fatherhood is…

FATHERHOOD:

He did not abuse me, so that made him a good father.
He provided a house and basic needs with some fun road trips and vacations thrown in for good measure.

What else does a father need to do or be???

The fact that both of these parents assumed I was okay and blatantly ignored my emotional needs just because I was existing near them speaks volumes about their emotional neglect and lack of emotional intelligence.

While I was in my early 30’s and doing some intense healing revolving around my upbringing, I confronted ff#3. About how abandoned I felt as a teenager and in my 20’s.

His response: “You were so mature for your age. You had us fooled. We thought you were fine”. And went on to describe how self-sufficient I was as a teen. Self-indulgent, lazy parental leadership.

I started dating when I was a teenager. One quality about relationships I picked up on very early was:

Interactions were transactional (in a distorted way) ; attached with narrow expectation. I will give you attention as long as you meet my idea of you. Never step outside of the limitations I have set forth for you. One or both participants in the relationship are always striving to control the other. It's a trap. This is such an ingrained reality of relationships that most people do not see this. On occasion, when they do finally see this Truth, they are trapped and are in danger of staying trapped for the rest of their lives.
As a teen, I understood that in order to be in a relationship, you have to hide core parts of yourself. Being authentic was not celebrated. It was met with judgment and fear.

Besides, patriarchal rule despises Self-Possessed women. They are not controllable. Unruly.

When I was fourteen I knew it was up to me to heal my emotional and spiritual wounds. I knew it would take me a long time. I knew I had to be the one to heal myself. Often, I have felt dizzy from all of the turns and dead ends. How do I return to myself when I don’t know what that even feels like??? I refused to give up. I refused to put all of my hopes and lust for life into one person outside of myself. I chose to forgo a long-term, romantic relationship so I could dedicate all of my energy, love and support to my Healing. I have no regrets about this.

Throughout my career as a substance use counselor I have been confronted by my own biases and blind spots when it comes to providing a safe space for people to explore their own pain and healing and potential growth. This has been especially true with the men I have worked with.

I have had some very honest conversations with male co-workers who disclosed to me their own experiences of abuse when they were children. I had no idea how validating it would be for me to receive their perspective of their own personal hell. All throughout my teenage years and 20’s, I viewed men as a Potential Obstacle. I always had exit strategies in place. For a really long time it was comfortable for me to deny them their complicated, messy humanness.

Navigating my role as a counselor, while still holding my own trauma and healing and humanness ; I have had some tough lessons. At the beginning of my career when I worked at a methadone clinic, a male patient stormed into my office and started yelling at me. I immediately felt angry and many thoughts flooded my mind all at once:

“Who the fuck does this fucker think he is, yelling at me??? I don’t allow no man to treat me this way! He needs to get the fuck out of my face!!! Get out! Get out! Get out!!!!!”

I started yelling back and I did not hold back. I did not insult him, I kept the focus on protecting myself. This was a situation that could have escalated into physical violence towards me. I’m grateful that it didn’t. My supervisor came into the office and helped to de-escalate the situation. One of the lessons I took from that was that I still felt like such a target for male violence. I still felt so afraid.

A few weeks later, this male patient was back in my office. We had been talking for a little while, then he disclosed how he felt so afraid of not being able to provide for his wife and daughter. He had been to prison multiple times. He had a lot of barriers to finding a job. He started crying in my office. I held my breath and was achingly aware that I was more uncomfortable witnessing him cry and express vulnerability than I was with him displaying anger. This highlighted to me how much more healing I had to do for myself. How much more releasing I had to do. This highlighted how much I had internalized the idea of a man. I had internalized that men don’t cry.

While I was still working at the methadone clinic, there was another male patient I worked with for a couple of months. He looked more like a Frat Bro than someone who struggled with intense opioid addiction. During one of our counseling sessions, he disclosed how as a child he experienced sexual abuse by a man. I could feel his agony and profound confusion. I could sense the Emotional Labyrinth he was in. I could relate so deeply to his pain and humiliation. I allowed myself to feel deep empathy towards him and where he was.

When I had been so deep in my own agony, I just couldn’t think or even care about how some boys and men experience rape too. It didn’t even occur to me. And the vicious cycle it creates when it comes to men and women interacting within relationships. Under strict, patriarchal rule ; it is assumed that boys and men don’t have to worry about rape. Or emotional neglect, manipulation, invalidation because real, tough boys and men would never let that happen to them. Because under strict, patriarchal rule they need to be in control, stoic, unfeeling and to dominate when they feel the need to ; emotionally speaking, they are simple. This couldn’t be further from the Truth. When boys and men and the reality that they too are vulnerable to familial, partner or sexual violence is denied, so too, is their Full Humanity.

This is just one reason why Daddy Issues exist.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Daddy Issues…..The Neighborhood
Formula…..Labrinth
S.L.U.T.…..ppcocaine
Harley Quinn…..Princess Nokia
you should see me in a crown…..Billie Eilish
Gasoline…..Halsey
Rebel Girl…..Bikini Kill
Falling Away From Me…..Korn
STUPID…..Ashnikko, Baby Tate
Father Daughter Dance…..Kesha
Slave…..Ramsey

BlackBlueCoffee 7/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 7/2/24

I Belong to myself

Disclaimer

I have been on a quest to understand myself for as long as I can remember. Trauma is what spurred this mazzy search for myself. I understood, even as a young child, that I had to develop an intimate relationship with myself. People come and go. Sometimes, the biological family you are born into ; you will not know them by the time you are in your mid-20’s. They are a memory, sometimes a nightmare. Distant distant distant. It is for the best. Not meant to be forever. Everything changes. What is birthed must also die, in one way or another.

Beginning with one family; stepping into another family; only to see and feel and finally realize their own brand of Dysfunction and Denial. Justifying their criticisms, stating, it is for my own good, for my growth. Ignoring their own accountability for what they brought into the relationship.

Fuck that shit.

I make no room for people who believe they have a right to claim their supposed superiority over me.

Fuck that shit.

For years, I was achingly aware that I was hanging by a thread. Not feeling like I belong anywhere. Feeling like a burden no matter what. For years, I tried being “good”, not flinching when they stepped on my toes. I was afraid my pain would be too much for them. Turns out, they really didn’t care.

Through all of those experiences and more…I have come to understand that I belong to myself. Through all of the foggy confusion, the searing pain, the loneliness and the will to carry on. I belong to myself. I know myself. I trust myself. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. All of the Inner Work I am dedicated to ; has a very big pay off. I get to live authentically. I get to create a life that is in alignment with my values and desires. None of this comes for free or without effort. It takes Discipline. It takes Will.

This past Sunday was my very last online cohort meeting with Headspace. I have completed the mental health coaching training. Yay!!! I feel very proud. Finishing this program highlights that I am at the precipice of a brand new chapter. I am so excited and so grateful. At this moment I feel very much In Love with Life and the World. Sooooo looking forward to meeting new people, going to new places and having newer, joyous adventures.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Smalltown Boy…..Bronski Beat

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

Love Surrounds You…..Ramsey
Sway…..So Below

BlackBlueCoffee 6/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 6/25/24

Bike commuting

Disclaimer

I have an hour and 45 minute commute by E-bike throughout the work week. Along my commute, I bike through very Portlandia neighborhoods, over the Tilikum bridge, along the river where I often see at least a dozen sail boats during the summer months ; I pedal along some hills where I can see an expansive view of downtown, the river and one of the mountains (I don’t know which one, I am terrible at geographic landmarks). This commute feels very storybook. I don’t ever have to deal with traffic, which enhances my quality of life. Some other benefits of my commute include:

Experiencing more Beauty in my everyday routine
Engaging in my mindfulness practice (being on a bike, I am tuned into my body and my surroundings)
Balance (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) which leans into feeling more grounded by the time I arrive to work
Maintaining strength
Exposure to fresh air and the natural essential oils the trees and other plants produce
I develop a more intimate understanding of the environment I bike though and feel into the energetic imprints of certain places
It is very calming to bike along a body of water, helps to reduce stress. Yay!
At night, I get to witness the twinkling lights of the city which feels magickal
I also use some of the time to speak with my higher self and guides. This helps me to feel more clear and focused on my goals

Simply put, I am grateful I can get from point A to point B in this way. I reap so many benefits that elevates my abilities to be in a helping profession. For me, having this routine enhances my concentration and prepares me for having to be confined to an office for 8 hours straight.

BlackBlueCoffee 6/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 6/2/24

Questions

Disclaimer

What parts of your authentic self do you refuse to share with those who are in your inner circle? What are you afraid of? Rejection, loneliness, shame, being misunderstood? If you knew you only had one more year of life on Earth, would you change how you were living? Or would you insist on sameness?

BlackBlueCoffee 5/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 5/25/24

healing portal

Disclaimer

On 5/5/2024 I decided to participate in an energy portal. I have been working with portals since February of this year. Every single time I work with portal energy I always learn more about myself and my abilities. This particular portal focused on healing the divine feminine energy and mother wounding. When I became aware that those were the themes for this portal, I groaned inwardly ; more mother shit. For over a year, I have been laser focused on doing inner child healing. A lot of mother and father wounding and healing is involved. Initially, I wasn’t looking forward to this ritual because my main thought about my mother wounding was, “I just want to be done with this. Why does this require so much fucking work?!”. To say I felt burnt out on focusing on parental wounds is an understatement.

On 5/5, in the evening, I went outside to my backyard and laid down on the ground. I imagined magenta and golden light streaming straight into my heart center. I acknowledged the dried up, desert parts of my heart ; the specific wounding there. Every time my mothers discounted my experience, blamed and shamed me for existing as me, manipulating and gaslighting to get me to do what they had on their agendas. So much neglect, loneliness, resentment baked into my heart that transcended many, many lifetimes. I imagined the magenta and golden healing rays streaming straight into my heart and providing the much needed sustenance ; turning the desert parts of my heart into lush, green, thriving revitalization. I stayed with this visualization for about ten minutes. It felt a lot longer than that. After the portal ritual, I knew I had to journal about my experience but I was not interested in writing that evening. The next morning, I jotted down my thoughts after contemplating more about that experience.

The following is what I wrote to all of my mothers I have ever had in every life I have ever lived:

I understand why motherhood was difficult for you. I wish we had a safe, connected, loving relationship where you stepped into the role of a parental leader with curiosity and grace. But that did not happen. I now understand, at soul level, we chose each other to learn lessons for our own, individual learning and growth. I wish you well in all of your endeavors.

While journaling and staying inward ; I thought about all of the people who have ever confided in me their deepest fears and realities when it came to Family. While working with people who have experienced so much familial pain and wounding and understanding the many reasons why so many parents and families are set up to fail their children ; experiencing this kind of pain as a systemic issue has helped to illuminate my own dark, shadow aspects of my personality and my experience for this particular incarnation.

Healing…it’s a motherfuckin’ process.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Dark Necessities—Red Hot Chili Peppers

Something In The Way—Nirvana

Down With The Sickness—Disturbed

The Sound Of Silence—Disturbed

Way down We Go—KALEO

Colours—GROUPLOVE

BlackBlueCoffee 5/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 5/2/24

unblocking chakras and wound in gemini

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

Okay, I know I am going to sound hella woowoo for writing about unblocking my chakras but this is where I am at ; so that is that. As I am writing this, I am observing judging myself ; yup totally catching myself in the moment. It’s okay, we are all works in progress. So, for the past couple of months, I have been doing a variety of meditations and breathing exercises to unblock my chakras. I wish l could say it was for purely spiritual reasons (I mean a good chunk of my motivations are spiritual related) BUT one core reason I began unblocking my chakras are money related.

If a person’s body is tense and rigid, hence, the chakras are going to be blocked, thereby blocking the flow of energy, creativity, abundance. Abundance in all forms AND, also money.

I have decided I want to create a life FULL of abundance, creativity, laughter, adventure, curiosity, travel, writing ; all sorts of things. I recently learned blocked chakras can affect attracting money and the ability to co-create a life that one truly desires.

I have been surprised by how much more energy I have since I have started this practice. Very curious.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out what my wound in chiron is ; it is Chiron in Gemini: The Wound of Words. First of all, when I recall all of the past life memories where I wind up strangled to death, the Chiron in Gemini makes absolute sense to me.

The way I think of the chiron wound (which is from astrology, for those who don’t know) is a wound that is a core and steady theme throughout one’s life and apparently throughout multiple lives. This wound is thought of as a core wound that tends to show up repetitively until it is healed. At first, I did my math wrong and thought my wound was in Cancer which is the Wound of Family and/or Abandonment. I also related to this because I do totally have abandonment issues, however, after thinking about it more deeply, I know my Wound of Words has been such a consistent source of pain for me. Far more than my fucked up family history.

Then, I think more about this current lifetime and how as a kid I had a terrible stutter that made me feel very self conscious. I really struggled to convey with words how I felt or what was on my mind. I just let people assume and guess because at the time I just did not have the tools to freely and assertively express what I needed to express. Which was one reason why I worried, up until my late 20’s, that I was stupid. Going through school was a major hardship. I know now that I am hella intelligent, but it has been a journey.

So my Wound in Gemini is The Wound of Words. It is a curious thing that I often get stuck at my throat chakra when I am doing any kind of unblocking exercise. It makes sense and at times I feel very frustrated that healing this chakra is taking more time and effort. However, I do realize this is when I get to practice patience and self-compassion which are always detailed lessons. It’s a curious situation. It is not surprising. It is just something I will continue to work through. One day at a time.

Music I listened to while writing this:

From Meditative Mind on YouTube Root Chakra (LAM Chanting)

BlackBlueCoffee 4/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 4/25/24

whore

Disclaimer

I have always secretly enjoyed the word “Whore”. I enjoy the sensation of saying Whore. The way the mouth forms into an “OH” shape ; then breathing out the whole word of Whore through the mouth. It has a certain ring to it. Apparently, the word Whore has ties way back to ancient Semitic languages of the Middle East which meant “cave” or “womb”. It’s interesting how the word Whore has been weaponized against girls and women for a hella long time.

Secretly, I have always enjoyed the word “Whore”. Secretly, I had been practicing Sex Magick for many years without even realizing it. I would say my late teens and all throughout my 20’s my Sex Magick practice centered on sexual healing and healing in general. I realllllly revel in the release of orgasms and there is ample research as to why that is ;

Some of the known benefits of orgasm include:

Strengthening immunity
Supports and boosts brain activity and (possibly) increases cognitive abilities
Improves sleep quality
Amps up pain threshold
Possibly helps your skin to look younger and clearer (could potentially help you to look ten years younger ; in our youth obsessed culture, that can definitely help alleviate aging angst)
Influences hormones for the win ; helps to have a healthier balance of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin–these three hormones play a major role in stress reduction, improvement with cognitive abilities and energy levels ; just to name a few of the benefits
The list of benefits goes on for a bit longer but I think you get the point already

So, my childhood was polluted with aggression and violence and having experienced sexual abuse as a young child ; I struggled with this huge gaping hole inside of myself where my Rage lives. I often felt consumed by my Rage. It scared me. Growing up, I was achingly aware that no one would care about the kind of pain I had experienced and that something vital had been taken away from me. And, so, my Rage grew and grew. It felt as though the Rage would gobble me whole and then I would be nothing.

Orgasms weren’t the only thing that helped with my healing process. I have always enjoyed learning. I recently came across this particular description of the word Tantrika from the website YOGAPEDIA:

“Tantrika is a Sanskrit word that means ‘relating to Tantra’. Tantra is a Hindu spiritual practice (sadhana) based on religious and mystical texts devoted to goddess worship and shakti (divine feminine energy). It is also the name used to describe this collection of texts (Tantras).

Tantrika, generally, describes a scholar immersed in the study of science or a system. More specifically, it can be defined in several ways:

As a noun - someone who adheres to the sadhana of Tantra
As an adjective - describing the Tantras (texts) and their doctrines, or the rituals of worshiping the goddess within

Tantrika is derived from the root word, tan, meaning ‘to weave’ or ‘to expand,’ and tra, meaning ‘to protect’ or ‘to liberate.’ It, therefore, describes a belief in expanding knowledge to achieve liberation…Tantrika also dates to ancient times.

Some sects of Tantrism delve into occult-like practices, including rites that connect sex with higher consciousness.”

With all that said, to me, Tantrika refers to a person who is dedicated to Expand Consciousness In Order To Liberate. Yup, sounds like me.

For so many years I have been achingly aware how the feminine is perceived to be weaker and inherently subservient to the masculine. In mainstream culture, there is no awareness that we all, regardless of gender, have divine feminine and divine masculine qualities. For people who identify as either non-binary, gender fluid or whatever else, these ideas are not new ; it is just that freedom of expression has been stifled for a hella long time.

Quick side note: I just googled “Lilith Sex Magick” and an article (published in 2019 and written by Lisa Stardust) about how to use Sex Magick to help create one’s best self from Teen Vogue came up. The concepts of Sex Magick are slowly and magickally making its way up the stream.

Lilith, the Vampire Queen. The first wife of Adam.

A fellow Sex Magick Practitioner. Perhaps the Creator of Sex Magick???

According to the Lore, Lilith was created as Adam’s equal. And she refused to lay beneath him as a subordinate. She insisted that she came first. She has Boundaries. She is well aware that she is her own entity and has a right to pleasure and she is below no one, ever. She simply wanted and demanded to Co-Exist. She wanted a Collaborator. Not a Suppressor.

Whenever I am in a situation where I am actively being dismissed, minimized, or someone is attempting to override a boundary that is meant to protect me ; I always ask myself, “What The Fuck Would Lilith Do?”.

So, when it comes to healing, ultimately the task at hand is to find a way back to ourselves. To feel safe and confident enough to express authentically.

Whore means Womb. I believe it is time for reclamation of Whore and every single being on this Earth will benefit from this particular reclamation.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Daddy by Ramsey

Devil Eyes by Hippie Sabotage

glow worms by ivri, Naveih

You Were a Dream by Artemas

if u think i’m pretty Artemas

Tip Toe by PatrickReza

Also, the book written by Dr. Jolene Brighten called Is This Normal? Judgement-Free Straight Talk About Your Body is the source I used for the knowledge about the benefits of orgasms

BlackBlueCoffee 4/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 4/2/24

What Does it mean to heal???

Disclaimer

What does it mean to Heal?

What does it mean to be healthy or healthier?

Considering, we have a massive SickCare system in this country ; as a collective, our current understanding of what it means to actually be well is blurry.

A person who looks healthy but is overrun by resentful, jealous, emotionally reactive thinking will ultimately promote DisEase in the body. (Check out Dr. Caroline Leaf’s work on negative thinking and brain health. Her work is amazing).

A person who looks healthy but consumes alcohol several times weekly is actually not doing their immune system or their liver any favors. (Check out Dr. Andrew Humberman’s podcast ; he has provided ample research on the detrimental effects of habitual alcohol consumption. His work is amazing as well).

There are many components that add to wellness and subtract from wellness ; what is a good balance???

So I ask again ;

What does it mean to be healthy or healthier?

What does it mean to Heal?

BlackBlueCoffee 3/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 3/25/24

Lessons from energy and remembering past lives

Disclaimer

It took me a long time to figure out my “plan”. I was 30 when I decided to go back to school, for the millionth time, in the pursuit of developing a career in counseling. I started working in the substance use counseling field in 2017, at first as an unpaid intern for 10 months (while I was still in school), I graduated from the program, moved to Portland and got my first paying job as a counselor in 2018 at a methadone/suboxone clinic. It was in 2019 when it was becoming more obvious to me that I was more tuned into energy than not. I had a couple of counseling sessions where I felt as though I went into a mild trance by accident. The client I was working with ; I was able to ask them questions that seemed to clear some blocked energy. That exchange felt very healing. After those sessions, I promptly ignored my experiences, I busied myself with the next thing and I did not think about it. The next spiritual experience that was very uncomfortable came in the winter of 2021. During this time I was still working primarily remotely. Randomly, one of my clients I was working with came into the office and we agreed to do an in person session, both of us masked and sitting 6 feet apart. This person struggled with chronic pain, in addition to an intense opioid addiction. This person grew up with dismissive and invalidating parents, so being clear and understood was very important to this person. We met for about an hour, had a typical counseling session, nothing unusual.

Later that evening when I was home, getting ready for bed, I noticed different kinds of sensations all throughout my body. As I was lying on my bed and realizing these sensations that weren’t painful but still stimulating in my body and when I noticed my thoughts becoming more anxious and frantic, the physical sensations became more amplified in my body. It freaked me out! At the time I had no idea what was happening. I eventually drifted off to sleep. The next day, those sensations were gone. The lesson I took from that was how and what we think ABSOLUTELY impacts what we feel inside our body. My theory is, there was some kind of energy exchange that happened between the client and me. It was very unintentional but it did give me more insight into how chronic pain was experienced by this person ; it gave me more empathy, which I was grateful for. After that experience, I continued to ignore my intuition. At that time I equated intuition with being crazy because that is one of the messages I have gotten since I was a young child.

Then in the Fall of 2021, I started experiencing more past life memories. This was not my first time remembering things from past lives. When I was younger, the past life memories were more abstract and easier to dismiss. In 2021, I started remembering more vivid past life memories with another person. This person I was remembering from these past life memories, in this current life, I hadn’t seen or spoken to in well over a decade. I will refer to this person as Jim. Jim is a distant family friend who is a couple years younger than me. When I was 15, my adoptive mom showed a family photo of Jim and his family. I saw the photo and I saw Jim and I immediately felt as though I had known Jim before, in another life. This feeling was swift and then I promptly squashed it and ignored it and told myself that was a crazy thought. I refused to think about that further at that time.

Back to Fall of 2021, I began remembering memories from past lives about Jim and I more vividly.

There was a memory that took place during medieval times. In this life, I was a young woman who was determined to find her sister who had been kidnapped. That life was harsh and brutal. In that life JIm was some kind of healer or a knight or both. Jim and I developed a deep, close bond and when Jim was away ; he often sent aid when I needed it in the form of animals or other people. Jim made sure I was protected when he could not be physically close.

This particular memory is more like a deep, intuitive knowing. In this life, we had a relationship; there was attunement and a deep appreciation for each other. But there was an intense and violent force outside of our control that ended it. It could have been a natural disaster, perhaps a volcano eruption, I am not sure of those details. But I can feel the love from this past life, it was a nourishing kind of love.

The disturbing aspect of these memories is that in most of these past lives, I wind up pissing off a lot of people and end up murdered, typically strangled. Prior to these memories, I hadn’t realized the twisted kind of intimacy that is created when one strangles the life force out of another. While I was processing these memories, my neck felt quite sore for a few weeks. I am not sure if that is a “normal” symptom but that has been one out of many odd experiences I have had to process.

To describe these experiences as inconvenient will never be accurate enough. What I was remembering were a blurry string of memories about us living many, many lives together; spanning pre-patriarchal society all the way through the 1700’s. In most of these lives we come together in partnership, almost always, if not always, we form a romantic and sexual relationship ; perhaps even soulmates. To be clear, prior to these experiences, I didn’t even believe in the concept of “soulmates”, not with the amount of unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationships I have seen and experienced in my life ; so this concept of “soulmates” getting shoved into my consciousness has been grueling and uncomfortable. Prior to these memories, I was focused on my career and prior to that, I was laser focused on healing myself from my fucked up childhood (I went through foster care as a teenager so I have seen and experienced a lot of shit). I would never describe myself as a romantic. Having experienced sexual abuse as young child, I went though my teenage years and adulthood always seeking to get back what was taken from me. My sexual relationships always served a purpose ; to give me space with a consensual partner where I could actively participate in sex as an equal. I was never interested in long-term committed relationships. Sooooo, these memories where there was this deep love, commitment, and attunement to each other was deeply disorienting and confusing and unsettling. Not what I wanted. At the time, my adoptive parents were willing to give me emotional support as I was sifting through the memories and experiencing mediumship abilities. It was a very confusing time, when I look back on it, I remember feeling like I was on drugs for most days.

From Fall of 2021 to the Spring of 2022, while I was sorting out the energy and my abilities, I messaged Jim via Facebook a few times. I didn’t want to message him but I did get some incentive from Source, my intuition, my higher self???...not exactly sure where it came from but what I was experiencing was intense, abusive, anxious sensations inside my body and when I started writing to him, I noticed the anxious sensations easing up and going away as I wrote. Soooo, I wrote him a few messages to explain what I was experiencing and emphasized the past life memories as past life memories. I was very aware how I could potentially be perceived as a crazed, desperate Pick Me Girl (those types of people have always annoyed me and I have always aspired to NOT be that. Also, Jim is married, presumably happily so, which only added to the humiliation I felt initiating a conversation with him) ; anyway I wrote to him about my experiences. I explained to him how I was aware that he had a crush on me when we were teenagers and how fucked up I was and how I focused on my own healing for so long. I was focused on staying in my own lane and figuring out my own stuff ; that I had always hoped that he would find someone who understood him and who he could understand. When I was in the midst of my own pain, I knew I could not be good to him or for him. He eventually responded. He was kind. He did not call me crazy. He did not communicate to me that he thought I was delusional. I asked him if he experienced any past life memories, he stated he did not have any memories about our souls together in other incarnations. We said our goodbyes. I felt simultaneously relieved and disappointed which was very uncomfortable. Months went by.

I live in a city. In my opinion, I live in a great city where there are lots of lovely experiences such as bars with a gothic theme called Coffin Club. A couple of times a year the club hosts an event they call, “Dark Market”---a variety of artistic vendors come together to showcase and sell their goods. I saw things like pretty, colorful stained glass in the design of a penis with flowers. It was a very Portlandia moment. There was a vendor who made these beautiful and intricate roses made out of some kind of metal. There were all kinds of interesting things there. I went with my friend Melissa. This was in December of 2022. It was around this time that I was actively avoiding thinking about Jim and also I was actively thinking about Jim–it was a push/pull kind of thing. Towards the end of the evening, Melissa announced she wanted to see the tarot card reader for a reading who was tucked away in a corner of the bar. I joined Melissa. Melissa requested a reading about her love life. The tarot card reader was fairly on point, on point enough to where I felt this reader was legit and not full of bullshit. After Melissa’s reading, I decided I wanted a reading done on my love life. I had been drinking some cider and felt jovial, not expecting much to come from this reading. I was wrong.

At this point in time I was getting more comfortable with my intuition and used it to help guide me during this reading.

The reader was able to call out that I am an old soul who has lived many lives. One theme that has kept coming up in my multiple past lives is that I almost always come back as a woman with witchy or high priestess kind of flair.

This was on point for me.

The reader also pointed out that since I have lived many lives where I actively fight against patriarchal ideals and systems of thought and I was murdered by insecure, wounded men ; I have a lot of rage in me.

Accurate.

She suggested I do Kundalini breathing and ask the moon (on a full moon) and my spirit guides for help with healing ; while drinking a warm, fizzy drink to help dissolve the rage that has collected in my midsection.

Then she pointed out the cards that represented me (the moon card, I am a cancer, my ruling planet is the moon) and the card that represented Jim (the world card, representing the earth, Jim is a Taurus). She used the word soulmates to describe the connection. I hadn’t mentioned that word that evening at all.

Shit shit shit.

I resisted. I asked her, “What makes you say we’re soulmates?”, she responded, “The Moon and the Earth; one cannot exist without the other”.

Okayyyyy.

She described this connection. Lots of laughter. She described a component of the relationship being childlike in the best way possible and that he would be able to, “Ring you like a bell”. She instructed me that I needed to continue on my healing journey, reclaim my badass witch/high priestess abilities and when I did that, my soulmate would show up.

At that moment, I reminisced on my Tinder/hook up days. This soulmate stuff is so daunting.

“I am not sure if we are meant to be together in this life”. The reader responded, “It will be a lot easier than you think”.

I continued to live my life. A couple months after that reading I was promoted to clinical supervisor for the nonprofit I work for. I felt content enough in my career and spent most of my energy there. Working within the high schools, I am left to my own devices when it comes to letting students and staff know that I even exist to offer substance use counseling services to the youth. I spent a lot of my creative energy coming up with ways to meet the students in a non-punitive way so people became more aware that I was available for counseling services. I created a thing I called, “Lunch Booth” which was when I made myself available to students to teach them origami and to answer any questions they had about managing stress, emotions, peer pressure, general life stuff. I would also share my ideas about the complex nature of drug use and stressed that it is NOT a moral failing and shared ideas about how internalized trauma impacts relational, social, and learning skills plus other life stuff. I did Lunch Booth weekly and consistently and very soon after that I had a full caseload.

In my private life I was experimenting with candle magick and spells, slowly growing my badass witch abilities. Sometimes I would dabble in sex magick (a practice that has been a part of my life since I was 18, although back then I did not call it sex magick). I continued to meet new people and strengthen some close friendships with people who I consider to be a part of my family of choice. Dating was rough. It felt as though I was being blocked. I am not sure if I can describe the feeling accurately enough. I wanted to try dating but meeting new people in that way kept not working out for some reason.

I continued to focus on my work. If I had to highlight one main theme that comes up again and again when it comes to kids and drug experimentation or use is the lack of a strong parent/child bond ; it is always a relationship that is strained and/or fragmented in some way. It is a profound loss. Not sure if I could adequately put words to that loss. There are a lot of frustrations with working within the school system and substance use counseling. Everyday I see how these systems need improvement to actually be more helpful to more people.

When I zoom out from my everyday life and think about the collective, all current systems need to be revised to actually be more inclusive.

In October of 2023 I felt called to go in for an astrology reading. My intuition felt blurry and I needed clarification. In that reading I received more clarification about the past life violent murders. The many, seemingly infinite past lives and soulmate connections with Jim. I also got confirmations about my abilities, specifically my manifestation abilities, which check out; I had used candle and sex magick to help bring me more money. I was also told that my mediumship abilities would strengthen soon, which was also reflective with what I had been experiencing. I was also informed that the soulmate connection with Jim was DONE.

Confusion! I had been thinking about him for months even though I tried very hard NOT to think about him.

“I’m confused. The last time I saw you, you said that Jim was the soulmate. This is so confusing.” Also, by the way, genuine soulmate connections on planet Earth at this time are exceedingly rare, less than 13% of all relationships are soulmate relationships. Soulmate connections can be romantic or it can be friendship or familial or whatever else. Soulmate relationships are NOT always romantic. Most relationships are karmic. Human beings have a lot of lessons to learn and messes to clean up within their relationships. I will go ahead and highlight that I am not arrogant enough to believe I should automatically be in the soulmate category.

The reader responded bluntly, “Sometimes spirit guides will do things to fuck with you.”

I was crying, mostly out of confusion and frustration. This spiritual awakening bullshit felt so exhausting. At that moment I wanted my old life back.

She gently told me, “When two souls have lived many lives together but don’t have a relationship in the current life; sometimes one or both people will tap into residual energy and that could look like having deep feelings or a connection even though in the current life there is no reference point. You have lived many lives. You need to know that this will not be the only time you experience something like this.”

I continued to sob hard and loudly.

The reader then shared that she also has a couple of bonds like this and every once in a while she will receive a download or energetic knowing and then feels compelled to check in with them to make sure they are okay. Hearing about her experiences made me feel sooooo much better and less alone.

But I still left that session feeling more frustrated and confused than ever.

Over the next several months I saw two different legitimate psychics about this current life and whether or not I have a soulmate. I was hoping one or both of them would say that I am not meant to have a soulmate in this life and that I can have all the karmic, surface, superficial, casual sex dominated relationships that my heart desires. Just kidding…sort of.

Psychic 1:

I was very direct with my questions. “Am I meant to have a soulmate in this life? Would this relationship be for both our highest good? Is he from my past or my future?”.

After conferring with her and my guides, she responded, “You are meant to have a soulmate in this life.”

Damn it!

She continued, “This relationship will be for both your highest good. Most relationships are not mutually beneficial so this is rare. You will meet this person through work. Not your job but another way”. I confirmed that I would start a six month coaching program in January.

Psychic 2:

This time I went to a psychic medium who could access the akashic records. Again, I got confirmation about the intense murders in the past lives. How my feminine has been brutalized and fragmented. She was able to access some memories from the past life I lived prior to this current life. It was sometime in the 1700’s and in France, I worked as a prostitute and madam. I was free to live my own life despite the dark reality of the work I engaged in. And I enjoyed my freedom. I reveled how I was free from the burden of motherhood and what a trap that was. I was also addicted to absinthe. (Quick side note: For months my favorite incense to burn has been an incense that was inspired by absinthe, it is called Green Fairy ; a very interesting confirmation). Of course, Jim’s soul and my soul had a relationship in this life. He tried to convince me to create a life with him but I refused. He had more mainstream success and recognition, however, I was so afraid of losing my freedom. I was also afraid of the judgment of other people. I also had a lot of revulsion for my body. Considering I was a sex worker at that time, I had a lot of reproductive health issues.

The psychic also confirmed my manifestation ability. And that I specifically needed to pay extra care to my thoughts, words, and actions. To aid in my healing she suggested I make a list of all the things I am fearful of and a plan to address those fears ; also make rest a priority and to align with the moon cycles. She also gave me a reference for a local hypnotherapist (I wound up seeing that hypnotherapist on February 5th for our first session) and suggested that I work on, “letting go of the past” and to “work on empathy”.

I asked her about the past soulmate connections with Jim. I told her that I had been wondering if in those past lives maybe he had a part to play in the many brutal murders my soul has experienced ; maybe by being dismissive or manipulative or gaslighting or something else. She confirmed with our guides and said, “He always tries to stop it. He gets overpowered by other people”. I was afraid she was going to say that. That is an awful and ugly truth ; the experience of being overpowered by others and witnessing someone you love experience a terrible death.

She suggested that I call Jim, “The worst thing that could happen is he could say I don’t think about you”. I did have to agree that the stakes were low in this situation. Especially since I already knew I would write him a message via Facebook Messenger. The thought of calling him was not an option. I cringed at the thought. Besides, writing a message to him, I could take my time and be intentional AF.

Remember how I said, I can communicate with spirits? You know, sometimes Hollywood portrays things fairly accurately from time to time. You know how in some shows or movies when a ghost wants to communicate with the living, the ghost messes with the lights or some other electronics? Sometimes that is exactly how they communicate with the living. A few weeks after seeing that psychic medium, I was still contemplating and crafting what I would write to Jim. I thought about what I would write to him when I was doing the dishes, cooking food, riding my bike, doing documentation at work; as I went about my day, I was on autopilot in the physical world and very much in my mind for the most part thinking about what I wanted to write to him. I knew I couldn’t just keep randomly messaging this guy forever, there has to come a point where there is a cut off. All of this started in the fall of 2021, it was now 2024. I had to get some kind of resolution and/or make peace that there are many mysteries in life ; which could very well include this situation.

I was watching a movie, Easy A. I was enjoying rewatching this movie. The last time I saw it was when it came out and I had forgotten how funny the movie was. I was about half way through the movie when the hallway light started flickering, that light is not known for flickering. Then the movie on my laptop started to slow and stop playing altogether. All of my roommates were out of the house so I knew I was alone and no one would hear me talking to myself. “I will start writing to him when I finish this movie. I don’t usually watch movies. I am really enjoying this. LET ME FINISH THIS MOVIE”, I stated as assertively as I could. The hall light stopped flickering and the movie resumed. When the movie ended, I opened a new google doc and started writing. I thought it would take me weeks to write something with clarity but it wound up taking me a few hours. It felt like the words just poured from my brain onto the screen.

I wrote how I had noticed odd coincidences throughout the years. He had attended the same college my dad went to. During the time Jim attended that school, my dad had given me two college sweatshirts from his alma mater (not before or after Jim attended that school but during). At the time I didn’t read anything into it. I literally thought my dad was being sweet towards me and went on with my day. I noted how his sister “friended” me on Facebook not long after I decided to switch my profile to private (I was getting tired of random people asking for friend requests). During that time I was in the midst of a deep depression, I think was about 22 or 23 at that time. I knew his sister didn’t even like me. She thought I was too weird. She’s not wrong. The most recent incident happened in the fall of 2021, my dad gave me a bottle of some yummy artisan cocktail mixer to make an old fashioned, which I know was a gift from Jim because I had experienced a very intense and scary intuitive hit about Jim and when I went to make myself a very strong old fashioned, I looked at the bottle more closely, read the back of the label and noticed this mixer was made just two hours from where Jim lived. When I read the label, all of my intuitive senses started ringing. Funny, another coincidence!

I wrote to him how I had sincerely hoped that he didn’t drag his childhood crush into his adulthood. How when the last time I saw him, he had invited me to see a school play with him and his siblings and as I watched the play all I could think about at that time were the many realistic ways I could potentially kill myself because I really could not envision a future. I had also hoped that he would get older, go off to college and meet a girl who made the most sense to him. I wrote about how grateful I felt towards him. If he hadn’t given me that bottle of mixer, I most likely would have kept ignoring the intuitive hits that I was experiencing. I had been ignoring the intuitive hits for a couple of years prior. I expressed my gratitude towards him because ultimately he was the catalyst that I actually needed to WAKE up. To awaken. And finally in that message, I highlighted that in this life we do not know each other ; I have no idea if we would even get along. I offered if he felt the need to talk about things that we could talk about things.

I sent the message.

A few weeks went by and then I found out that Jim and his wife had a child together, very, very recently.

Am I crazy?

Was I being given intuitive hits by mischievous entities that really wanted to fuck with me?

Was I maybe tapping into an alternate universe where Jim and I do have a relationship?

Should I move back to France???

I felt shocked with the news about the child. I had no idea about the pregnancy. I reluctantly called my adoptive parents who I hadn’t been speaking with for about a year. I was confused because I had been consistently getting intuitive hits about Jim since 2021. What the hell?

“Hello?”, Stephanie answered.

“Hey, I need to talk with David”. Tense pause as I waited for him to reach the telephone.

“Hey…….Um, I’m confused. I have been getting hits about Jim for a while now, and—-”.

He cut me off, “Jim and his wife just recently had their baby.”

“I know. I’m happy for them”.

“Are you? Are you happy for them?”. His tone was condescending, ughh, he can be such an asshole.

“I have been getting these intense hits about Jim. I’m just confused”.

“Phoebe, are you seeing anyone about this”. The way he said “this” was loaded with judgment.

Fucker, if only you knew about the money, the time, the energy, the sleepless nights, the tears that I have spent.

I hung up the phone.

Confusion, confusion, confusion. What was the point of all of this? Why now? Why out of all of the years was I experiencing all of these potent and intense hits about this fucker Jim? He is just a guy. I don’t even know him. I have to end this now.

I wrote Jim a final message. I wrote about how these past few years with experiencing energy and intuition, especially about him have been intensely perspective shifting. These experiences have forced me to meditate about love. How before these experiences, I looked down on love. I believed people who were chasing love were Suckers. I was arrogant. But with all of these experiences, I now have a more holistic understanding and appreciation, which has widened my frame of reference. I am happy that you both created new life, a baby. I am relieved, very relieved. It has been a tortuous thought just thinking about you having unresolved feelings towards me from our teenage years and dragging that into adulthood. I don’t get off on believing that people are dreadfully living their lives in agony while secretly pining away for me. I’m too sensitive for that shit. I hope fatherhood gives you the experiences and self knowledge that you are expecting and hopeful for.

If you or someone from your inner circle ever goes through a spiritual awakening, it might be helpful to know that it can be inconvenient and not for the faint of heart. Support is helpful. I am a person who knows herself very well and thoroughly ; and these experiences have shoved me to my limits. Someone who is easily influenced or manipulated, well, I imagine that would be hell.

Yesterday I was doing this cord cutting chant for our souls. It goes like this, “I release you with a full heart, with love for the place you once held in my life. May you be happy in the life you have chosen. I now take back all the energy that has been taken from me or that I have given away and I return the energy that I still hold from you. May I be free from the ties that bind us. May all cords be cut, transmuted and dissolved. May all energy return to its original sender”. As I was doing this chant, I looked at the time and noticed it was 11:11 am. It is believed that seeing 11:11 is a reminder that we have a soul plan or destiny–a path laid out for us by the universe.

I am very happy that you both get to experience raising a child together.

Be safe.

Much Love.

Phoebe

As I did that chant, I experienced this feeling of clarity and lightness that I hadn’t had since 2021. This feeling of clarity and the confirmation of seeing 11:11 solidified that I had done the right thing even though all of this was sooooo difficult and pushed me beyond what I was comfortable with. I knew I did the right thing with the cord cutting chant because it is for the highest good of all.

A couple days later I got another intuitive urge. I went on to Instagram. I was looking at photos of the baby. Then I started noticing how intensely maternal and protective I felt towards this child. Then I noticed the date that was listed as the day of birth. My brain was on fire. I had recently started studying numerology. I quickly ran some numbers. Holy shit. This child will be intensely tuned into energy and intuitive, most likely will have psychic abilities.

Then a whole slew of snapshots from my childhood and the past several years came into focus in my mind.

As an intuitive child myself, I grew up very afraid all of the time, afraid of everything. The dismissiveness, the misunderstanding, the gaslighting, the manipulation that I experienced as a child and teen ; all of those experiences took me further away from my authentic self and created so much confusion.

Working in the addiction counseling field, I am well aware that when people are more tuned into energy AND deeply misunderstood by their parents and other caring adults in their life ; things don’t go well, they go horribly wrong.

I know so many people get diagnosed with a mental illness when that is not the core issue at all, not really. Again, things go horribly wrong for a lot of people who are deeply misunderstood.

Then the images of all of the children and adults I have worked with over the years came into sharp focus in my mind. The heartbreak, the loneliness, the violence, the attempts at self soothing.

I knew I could not message Jim again. That was DONE. I just can’t keep interfering with his life. Soooo, instead I texted his mother. In 2021, she helped me talk through some of the intuitive and mediumship experiences I was having at that time. She was familiar with my kind of crazy. ;)

What I communicated was that I was only relaying a message.

And, “I need to share this information with you. Please know my intention is coming from a soul level, humanitarian place. I suppose you could say destiny is at the core of this.”--I went on to describe some basics about numerology and how this child’s birth date indicates that they will have psychic abilities. “Please go to a legit numerologist. They will need his birth time for a complete reading. People who are deeply sensitive like this, need a lot of support and understanding. Their soul is here to help heal the world. I had to give you this message. I don’t want to continue messaging Jim. I’m afraid it is freaking him out or pissing him off.”.

Whhheeeeeww!!!! I laughed to myself. Ugh, all of this time I was always supposed to be a messenger. I reflected on the past few years and noted how my life is now very different, I am very different. I am not who I was, or who I thought I was, prior to 2021. Through all of the confusion, the highs and lows, I now had a definitive answer. More clarity came through for me, which, I reveled in because I know it is only a matter of time before another confusing intuitive hit comes to me and I am off on another psychic adventure. :)

Much Peace and Love.

Lessons I have learned about myself from these experiences (so far)

Letting go of what no longer serves (people, places, behaviors,

things). Ego deaths, many.

Reclaiming and strengthening my abilities so I can live the life my soul insists on living
I’m still in the process of learning to live with less fear
I am not here to be liked, I am here to be authentic
The people who are meant for me will come without force

A few songs I listened to as I wrote this:

Lovers in a Past Life ; Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man
Heaven Takes You Home ; Swedish House Mafia, Connie Constance
Lay Low ; Tiesto
You Will See ; Quarterhead, SESA

BlackBlueCoffee 5/28/19 BlackBlueCoffee 5/28/19

That Time I Had an Accidental Kundalini Awakening

It all begins with an idea.

Disclaimer

It was in the middle of Summer of 2020 and I was practicing in the middle of my bed/living room of my teeny, tiny apartment; in downtown Portland Oregon (I’m attempting to set the scene). I was practicing a dance move I learned from the burlesque workshop I was taking. I was listening to the music I had put on and synced into my body, noticing how when my hips were moving, how that impacted my torso, and how the movement of my torso affected the sensations in my back...really synced into my body and noticing it. I was shimmying with my legs when something started to happen…

One of the things that we learned in this workshop was different burlesque dance moves. How do I describe a shimmy? I suppose the best way I can describe this movement is it's basically shaking and jiggling your body, swaying your hips. You can isolate and shimmy your upper body or lower body or both. Anyway, I was shimming and focusing on my hips and legs and syncing more into my body. And gradually I noticed that I was experiencing a different kind of sensation.

Before I continue, I just want to acknowledge I am attempting to describe something that I’m not sure I can adequately describe with words. It’s kind of like trying to explain how an orgasm feels to someone who has never had that before…Also, when I think about how a lot of people are taught to not trust their body (lots of reasons why this happens: trauma, restrictive religions, shame; to call out a few); I understand how some people who encounter these kinds of experiences may believe they are either being possessed by another entity or going crazy; because a kundalini awakening is NOT subtle…at least, not in my experience.

So, I noticed this sensation in my pelvic area as I was moving my thighs and hips…and then I experienced this blissful, euphoric, pleasurable, and orgasmic feeling in my body that went from my pelvis, down my thighs and alllllllll the way to the top of my head, an explosion of creative life force energy. As this feeling spread throughout my body, I remember thinking, “It is so good to be in this body!!!”. How long did that sensation last for? 10 seconds, 20, 30, 60….I am not sure, I forgot to look at the time. But that experience was life-changing for sure. I mean, it highlighted just how ignorant I am of what my body is capable of experiencing. That surprising and yummy kundalini awakening did just that; it awoke and lead me to an understanding of just how mysterious and awe-inspiring it is to exist as a human being. It is more than okay to explore what our bodies can do for us because our bodies do a lot for us and are capable of giving us so, so much more than we realize.

I don’t know a whole lot about kundalini awakenings. But I do know enough that I had one; that one time. I have tried on multiple occasions to replicate that experience but I have not been successful, much to my dismay. What I do understand is that these kinds of experiences show up differently for different people. Some people, much like I did, will have an intensely pleasurable, orgasmic experience that leaves you panting. And other people experience an energetic experience that is nowhere near like having an orgasm. Does it mean anything in particular if you do have a kundalini experience and it resembles an orgasm? Does it mean you have more creative energy? Does it mean you are hornier than the average person??? I don’t what it means. And that’s okay. I am just grateful I had that surprising experience. And maybe one day, I will have another. :)

Some music I listened to while writing/contemplating this:

Be a Body by Grimes

Glass by Blood Cultures