A Great Love or a Great Illusion?Part 1
I am known as Phoebe, Divinely Guided by the Power of the Moon, Supported by the Strength and Determination of Saturn. I am a Devoted Child of Lilith, The Queen of the Damned
This acceptance and realization has embraced me along with some understanding and insight.
I recently went to an astrologer for a synastry reading to get some honest truths and understanding of this potential future that lies before me. There is a particular potential future with a potential someone; I will refer to this person as Wanderer. In this reading, the astrologer highlighted that our charts indicate many beautiful, complementary placements. There is potential for a passionate, adventurous , pleasure-filled, Spiritually-Aligned Partnership. She highlighted just how much of my type he is. His leadership qualities. His humor. His playfulness. His consideration. The vibrant, electric sensual and sexual connection we have to each other.
However, there is one significant placement that could indicate that he is an Illusion. A Trick. A potential Trap and Liability. My blood ran cold when she gave me that information. However, I was not surprised.
While our charts do indicate many lovely points of connection, there are some points that will cause friction. He triggers my shit and I definitely trigger his shit.
We haven’t really seen or spoken to each other for years. Our moms have been friends for decades. My parents adopted me out of foster care when I was a teenager. That is how he and I met, through our parents. As a teenage girl who had been neglected and abused and who was also very aware of other peoples’ projections of me; I was afraid all of the time. On a good day, I could pass for pretty and when this happened, people would make up all kinds of stories about me that were not true.
The way she dresses is for male attention.
FALSE.
She doesn’t talk to us because she thinks she’s better than us.
FALSE.
She’s a stuck up Bitch.
Can you guess what I am going to say???
I didn’t know it at the time. But as we got older and he went to college he would give me gifts. I did not know they were from him. My dad gave me those gifts as if they were from him. My dad lied to me.
Throughout the years as we got older. Very rarely would I think about him. When I did think about him, I hoped so much that he did not think about me. That he would forget about me. I wanted that for him so deeply. I knew when we were teenagers he had a crush on me. And that made me feel very sad for him. My self-worth did not exist at that time. I hated myself so deeply, that it took all of my strength to not end my life.
He was not aware of my inner thoughts about myself. He projected his desires and fears onto me, made assumptions. Those assumptions were wrong.
I was so aware of how fucked up I was in the head. The abuse that I experienced as a child was a real mind fuck. I knew it was up to me to heal myself. It would be no one else’s responsibility but my own. Also, I have always been able to feel my way through the world with very good accuracy, especially when it comes to people. So many people call themselves, “good” but are they really? When they live in denial and projection and blame and shame and manipulation? And they choose to not change those damaging habits. Are they really that “good”?
As a 15 year old girl, I looked more like a woman than a child. I was treated like a woman too. My adoptive mom would habitually remind me how “mature” I was for my age. If I ever dare to whine or complain or express my fear, the adults around me would withdraw and ignore me. I quickly learned to stifle my complaints and fears. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time because I was.
What I understand now, is that even as a teen, I was highly intuitive. I could sense what people were thinking about me when they looked me up and down. Sometimes it was criticism, like, “Uhg, too fat”, or “she seems kinda dumb” or “what’s wrong with her?”. Sometimes it was a backhanded compliment, “you have such a pretty face” or “you would be so much prettier if you lost some weight”, most people actually felt comfortable telling me this directly, no telepathy needed. The thoughts I spent the most energy blocking out came from some (not all) men, grown ass men, “she looks so much older than her age” or “foster care, huh? No one would believe her if I….”or “how can I get her alone with me?”. It was excruciating to know just how many men wanted to fuck a child. I never mentioned this to anyone because I knew no one would believe me. Not when these men appeared to be such “nice” guys.
This is just one example of how my intuition has saved my life.
I spent so much of my energy protecting myself. I just didn’t want to get raped again. I just wanted to be safe. I was very selective and careful with the friends I chose to trust and even kept those friends at a far distance.
When it comes to my intuition, I am now at a place where I trust my intuition first and other people second. Just like Nature intended.
This boy from my adolescence who is now a man. A married man. He had been giving me gifts for years without my knowing. I’m sure he thought this habit of his was harmless. Just like a man to not be aware of the impact of his actions on others.
To be continued……
Some music I listened to while writing this:
Lilith…..Kiki Rockwell
Pieces Of You…..Jewel
Lose My Breath…..Rhea Roberson
Wear Me Out…..CASHFORGOLD, Sidewalks and Skeletons, Mary Mortem
All up in my head…..Sara Diana
I Choose Me…..Amanati, Roniit
Lovers In A Past Life…..Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man
