A Great Love or a great illusion part 2

Wanderer went to the same Military Academy that my adoptive dad had gone to. Twice my dad gave me a sweatshirt with the school’s logo on it. I think the first sweater was given to me just before he started going to that school? The timeline is blurry to me because at that time, I just didn’t pay that much attention. Also, during this phase of life I struggled with intense depression. Unnoticed by both of my parents. The second time was absolutely while he was attending that school. The first sweater, I had accidentally ruined because I had gotten paint all over it. At the time, I thought nothing of it. I took it at face value. I believed my dad at that time. Then years later, in 2021, my dad gave me a cocktail mixer for old fashions. Interesting thing about this mixer is that it is produced on the other side of the country just a couple of hours away from where Wanderer lives with his wife. My dad had given this mixer to me just after he and my mom had visited Wanderer’s family’s social gathering (which Wanderer and his wife attended). Anyway, I don’t believe in coincidences. Besides, at this time, my intuition was on point, even though I doubted myself. Also, there was that time his sister friended me on Facebook, years ago, while I was in a deep depression, I must have been around 25 at that time? I know she doesn’t even like me. She thinks I’m too weird. She sent me a friend request and I accepted it, even though it confused me. I was easily confused at that time. She never reached out to me with a message. Just the friend request. Odd. 

From time to time; I kept it a rare occurrence. I would look him up on Facebook. While I spent a lot of energy avoiding thinking about him ; there was no point wasting my time thinking about someone who had a vastly different life than I did. With that said, when I did think about him, I wished things had been different. I wished we could have laughed together, play. But we didn’t. So, from time to time, I would get curious about what he shared on Facebook. Around 2016/2017, the name he was going by was not his first name, but his middle name. At that time, I did a little double take. Hmm. Not going by his first name. A name change. This was interesting because my first name, Phoebe, is not my birth name. I changed it when I was 13. When I noticed this name change while on Facebook in 2016, at that time I told myself, “A lot of people change their names. Don’t be so narcissistic Phoebe. His name change is not about you”. Now, I know this name change of his was just one of many passive ways he hoped to connect with me. 

 A lot of little signs throughout the years adding up. 

Also, it is not typical of my dad to give me gifts. He just isn’t that thoughtful towards me or my sister. It’s out of character for him.

Insisting on following my intuition will always lead me to unexpected places. I lean into my curiosity. I work really hard to practice detachment. Even when I actively ignored and suppressed my intuition; insights still came through for me. If these insights didn’t stress or challenge me in any way, I told myself I had just gotten “lucky”. If the insights did stress or challenge me, I just told myself I was, “crazy”. I had internalized the expectation to gaslight myself. 

I don’t gaslight myself anymore. 

Back to autumn of 2021: My dad had given me that cocktail mixer. A couple of nights later, I had gotten an intense intuitive download that concerned the boy from my adolescence. I was trying to go to sleep; I felt buzzy and hot all over, like I was on a fast merry-go-round. My breath became shorter. I was afraid I was experiencing some sudden, intense Covid symptoms, maybe I had been exposed to that virus? I heard a male voice. I heard the words, “I don’t care!” over and over again. In my mind’s eye, I saw Wanderer, he seemed very distressed, he would not leave my mind. The impression I felt was Wanderer-Frustration-Time over and over again. I went to my computer and forced myself to focus, I instinctively knew there was some kind of message trying to get through. I slowed my breathing and went Inward. I wrote an email:

Da,

I might be experiencing some weird psychosomatic intuitive stuff that I don’t fully understand or appreciate. I trust your perspective. I get a sense that there is some unresolved stuff concerning Wanderer. If this resonates, will you please make sure Wanderer reads this?

Wanderer, 

I know we haven’t seen each other in many years now. Writing this out is so fucking weird, so bear with me. When I came to live with my parents, I met them as strangers.They were strangers; I didn’t know them and I agreed to go live with them. A strange situation. Before meeting them, I had experienced a lot of crazy shit that I internalized as trauma. For as long as I could remember, I never felt safe. 

So I would dissociate a lot of the time, which is a response to trauma. When I dissociate, mentally and emotionally, I go deep inside myself where it is dark, cold, and cramped. But on the outside I look like I am functioning. I can somewhat carry on a conversation and look somewhat normal or awkward and uncomfortable. But on the inside, I check out. 

All those years ago when my parents brought me to your family’s home, I immediately felt intimidated....and...you guessed it unsafe. Nothing in that environment was familiar to me, if that makes sense. I dissociated every single time I was there. So I was never really there, not mentally, not emotionally. 

I think you had a curiosity about me. I probably freaked you guys out. I’ve been called the weird, crazy girl a million times.

That last time I visited with my mom. You invited me to go see a play with you and your siblings. It was a lovely, thoughtful gesture. And again I dissociated. 

I realize now, after many years, therapy, and living life; you were trying to make a connection with me. At that time, I was in a lot of emotional pain I did not know what to do with; it overwhelmed me. 

I feel compelled to ask you: 

Has this been a pattern for you? Trying to connect with another person even though they cannot be present with you? When it comes to being in relationships do you feel seen and valued for who you are as a human being? Loved? 

I don’t know much about love. I consider myself to be really terrible at it. 

But these kinds of things are important. Human beings are wired for connection, blah blah blah. It is true. 

You have accomplished and done some amazing things in your life. It is admirable and intimidating. 

I hope you are living your life that is aligned with your values based on your lived experience and not so much from external sources. 

Take good care of yourself and stay safe. :)

Peace.

While writing this email, I was not certain if I was even writing in a coherent way. I kept hearing so many languages all at once as well as Wanderer’s voice saying, “I don’t care”, over and over again. 

That night I did not sleep well. I was very afraid that I had gotten Covid. 

When I hit “send” to have the message delivered to my dad’s inbox, I cringed inwardly. In the past, when I had experienced sensations like this I would either smoke some weed, have a drink or distract myself in some other way. It was really scary for me to be open about the information I had received. I felt unsafe putting myself out in the open about my intuition. For decades I felt ashamed of the insights that came to me. I was really nervous about how my dad would receive that email. Would he call me Crazy? Delusional? Dismiss me? 

During this time I was living on my parent’s farm. Being scared that I had gotten Covid, I had been texting my mom (her phone was turned off) throughout that night about thinking of going to the emergency room. That is how scared I was with all of the sensations I was experiencing. And the hospital was ABSOLUTELY the last place I wanted to go to. All throughout the pandemic I struggled with the fear of getting sick. So for me thinking about going to the emergency room was a very big deal for me. 

That morning I spoke to my parents about feeling very ill. By this time, the sensations had lessened substantially.  They had plans to go away for the weekend and I would look after the farm for them. I did not mention the email I had sent my dad. I was expected at work that day. I decided to call in sick. After talking with my parents about my options of what to do. We all decided it would be just fine for them to go on their trip and I would skip work for that day and go in for a Covid test. 

I went into town, got the test. The test came back NEGATIVE. No Covid. I was relieved that I could rule that out. So if I didn’t have Covid. Hmm? What does that mean exactly? During this time, I wasn’t ready to face my Power, my Intuition. While I stuck to the habit of gaslighting myself, I still felt restless and curious. 

Later that evening I made myself a very strong old fashioned. After making my drink. I looked at the mixer bottle more closely. I really appreciated the aesthetic of the design, definitely my vibe. As I was admiring the design on the bottle, I looked at the back. That is when I noticed where this was made. Just a couple of hours away from where Wanderer has lived for years. What a “coincidence”! When this realization came to me, the sensations and my Intuition communicated, “Ding ding ding!!! Ding ding ding!!!! You are C-OOO-RRRRECTT; this a gift from Wanderer!!!! The energy you are picking up; you are on the right track. Keep gooooooing!!!!”.  

To be continued…..

Some music I listened to while writing this:

PUFF PUFF…..SMITH

Quantum Physics…..Ruby Waters

Crocodile…..Goth Babe

Foolish Games…..Jewel 

Lose My Breath…..Rhea Roberson

Fantasies…..Llynks

THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND…..Bad Omens