Lessons from energy and remembering past lives
Disclaimer
The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.
It took me a long time to figure out my “plan”. I was 30 when I decided to go back to school, for the millionth time, in the pursuit of developing a career in counseling. I started working in the substance use counseling field in 2017, at first as an unpaid intern for 10 months (while I was still in school), I graduated from the program, moved to Portland and got my first paying job as a counselor in 2018 at a methadone/suboxone clinic. It was in 2019 when it was becoming more obvious to me that I was more tuned into energy than not. I had a couple of counseling sessions where I felt as though I went into a mild trance by accident. The client I was working with ; I was able to ask them questions that seemed to clear some blocked energy. That exchange felt very healing. After those sessions, I promptly ignored my experiences, I busied myself with the next thing and I did not think about it. The next spiritual experience that was very uncomfortable came in the winter of 2021. During this time I was still working primarily remotely. Randomly, one of my clients I was working with came into the office and we agreed to do an in person session, both of us masked and sitting 6 feet apart. This person struggled with chronic pain, in addition to an intense opioid addiction. This person grew up with dismissive and invalidating parents, so being clear and understood was very important to this person. We met for about an hour, had a typical counseling session, nothing unusual.
Later that evening when I was home, getting ready for bed, I noticed different kinds of sensations all throughout my body. As I was lying on my bed and realizing these sensations that weren’t painful but still stimulating in my body and when I noticed my thoughts becoming more anxious and frantic, the physical sensations became more amplified in my body. It freaked me out! At the time I had no idea what was happening. I eventually drifted off to sleep. The next day, those sensations were gone. The lesson I took from that was how and what we think ABSOLUTELY impacts what we feel inside our body. My theory is, there was some kind of energy exchange that happened between the client and me. It was very unintentional but it did give me more insight into how chronic pain was experienced by this person ; it gave me more empathy, which I was grateful for. After that experience, I continued to ignore my intuition. At that time I equated intuition with being crazy because that is one of the messages I have gotten since I was a young child.
Then in the Fall of 2021, I started experiencing more past life memories. This was not my first time remembering things from past lives. When I was younger, the past life memories were more abstract and easier to dismiss. In 2021, I started remembering more vivid past life memories with another person. This person I was remembering from these past life memories, in this current life, I hadn’t seen or spoken to in well over a decade. I will refer to this person as Jim. Jim is a distant family friend who is a couple years younger than me. When I was 15, my adoptive mom showed a family photo of Jim and his family. I saw the photo and I saw Jim and I immediately felt as though I had known Jim before, in another life. This feeling was swift and then I promptly squashed it and ignored it and told myself that was a crazy thought. I refused to think about that further at that time.
Back to Fall of 2021, I began remembering memories from past lives about Jim and I more vividly.
There was a memory that took place during medieval times. In this life, I was a young woman who was determined to find her sister who had been kidnapped. That life was harsh and brutal. In that life JIm was some kind of healer or a knight or both. Jim and I developed a deep, close bond and when Jim was away ; he often sent aid when I needed it in the form of animals or other people. Jim made sure I was protected when he could not be physically close.
This particular memory is more like a deep, intuitive knowing. In this life, we had a relationship; there was attunement and a deep appreciation for each other. But there was an intense and violent force outside of our control that ended it. It could have been a natural disaster, perhaps a volcano eruption, I am not sure of those details. But I can feel the love from this past life, it was a nourishing kind of love.
The disturbing aspect of these memories is that in most of these past lives, I wind up pissing off a lot of people and end up murdered, typically strangled. Prior to these memories, I hadn’t realized the twisted kind of intimacy that is created when one strangles the life force out of another. While I was processing these memories, my neck felt quite sore for a few weeks. I am not sure if that is a “normal” symptom but that has been one out of many odd experiences I have had to process.
To describe these experiences as inconvenient will never be accurate enough. What I was remembering were a blurry string of memories about us living many, many lives together; spanning pre-patriarchal society all the way through the 1700’s. In most of these lives we come together in partnership, almost always, if not always, we form a romantic and sexual relationship ; perhaps even soulmates. To be clear, prior to these experiences, I didn’t even believe in the concept of “soulmates”, not with the amount of unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationships I have seen and experienced in my life ; so this concept of “soulmates” getting shoved into my consciousness has been grueling and uncomfortable. Prior to these memories, I was focused on my career and prior to that, I was laser focused on healing myself from my fucked up childhood (I went through foster care as a teenager so I have seen and experienced a lot of shit). I would never describe myself as a romantic. Having experienced sexual abuse as young child, I went though my teenage years and adulthood always seeking to get back what was taken from me. My sexual relationships always served a purpose ; to give me space with a consensual partner where I could actively participate in sex as an equal. I was never interested in long-term committed relationships. Sooooo, these memories where there was this deep love, commitment, and attunement to each other was deeply disorienting and confusing and unsettling. Not what I wanted. At the time, my adoptive parents were willing to give me emotional support as I was sifting through the memories and experiencing mediumship abilities. It was a very confusing time, when I look back on it, I remember feeling like I was on drugs for most days.
From Fall of 2021 to the Spring of 2022, while I was sorting out the energy and my abilities, I messaged Jim via Facebook a few times. I didn’t want to message him but I did get some incentive from Source, my intuition, my higher self???...not exactly sure where it came from but what I was experiencing was intense, abusive, anxious sensations inside my body and when I started writing to him, I noticed the anxious sensations easing up and going away as I wrote. Soooo, I wrote him a few messages to explain what I was experiencing and emphasized the past life memories as past life memories. I was very aware how I could potentially be perceived as a crazed, desperate Pick Me Girl (those types of people have always annoyed me and I have always aspired to NOT be that. Also, Jim is married, presumably happily so, which only added to the humiliation I felt initiating a conversation with him) ; anyway I wrote to him about my experiences. I explained to him how I was aware that he had a crush on me when we were teenagers and how fucked up I was and how I focused on my own healing for so long. I was focused on staying in my own lane and figuring out my own stuff ; that I had always hoped that he would find someone who understood him and who he could understand. When I was in the midst of my own pain, I knew I could not be good to him or for him. He eventually responded. He was kind. He did not call me crazy. He did not communicate to me that he thought I was delusional. I asked him if he experienced any past life memories, he stated he did not have any memories about our souls together in other incarnations. We said our goodbyes. I felt simultaneously relieved and disappointed which was very uncomfortable. Months went by.
I live in a city. In my opinion, I live in a great city where there are lots of lovely experiences such as bars with a gothic theme called Coffin Club. A couple of times a year the club hosts an event they call, “Dark Market”---a variety of artistic vendors come together to showcase and sell their goods. I saw things like pretty, colorful stained glass in the design of a penis with flowers. It was a very Portlandia moment. There was a vendor who made these beautiful and intricate roses made out of some kind of metal. There were all kinds of interesting things there. I went with my friend Melissa. This was in December of 2022. It was around this time that I was actively avoiding thinking about Jim and also I was actively thinking about Jim–it was a push/pull kind of thing. Towards the end of the evening, Melissa announced she wanted to see the tarot card reader for a reading who was tucked away in a corner of the bar. I joined Melissa. Melissa requested a reading about her love life. The tarot card reader was fairly on point, on point enough to where I felt this reader was legit and not full of bullshit. After Melissa’s reading, I decided I wanted a reading done on my love life. I had been drinking some cider and felt jovial, not expecting much to come from this reading. I was wrong.
At this point in time I was getting more comfortable with my intuition and used it to help guide me during this reading.
The reader was able to call out that I am an old soul who has lived many lives. One theme that has kept coming up in my multiple past lives is that I almost always come back as a woman with witchy or high priestess kind of flair.
This was on point for me.
The reader also pointed out that since I have lived many lives where I actively fight against patriarchal ideals and systems of thought and I was murdered by insecure, wounded men ; I have a lot of rage in me.
Accurate.
She suggested I do Kundalini breathing and ask the moon (on a full moon) and my spirit guides for help with healing ; while drinking a warm, fizzy drink to help dissolve the rage that has collected in my midsection.
Then she pointed out the cards that represented me (the moon card, I am a cancer, my ruling planet is the moon) and the card that represented Jim (the world card, representing the earth, Jim is a Taurus). She used the word soulmates to describe the connection. I hadn’t mentioned that word that evening at all.
Shit shit shit.
I resisted. I asked her, “What makes you say we’re soulmates?”, she responded, “The Moon and the Earth; one cannot exist without the other”.
Okayyyyy.
She described this connection. Lots of laughter. She described a component of the relationship being childlike in the best way possible and that he would be able to, “Ring you like a bell”. She instructed me that I needed to continue on my healing journey, reclaim my badass witch/high priestess abilities and when I did that, my soulmate would show up.
At that moment, I reminisced on my Tinder/hook up days. This soulmate stuff is so daunting.
“I am not sure if we are meant to be together in this life”. The reader responded, “It will be a lot easier than you think”.
I continued to live my life. A couple months after that reading I was promoted to clinical supervisor for the nonprofit I work for. I felt content enough in my career and spent most of my energy there. Working within the high schools, I am left to my own devices when it comes to letting students and staff know that I even exist to offer substance use counseling services to the youth. I spent a lot of my creative energy coming up with ways to meet the students in a non-punitive way so people became more aware that I was available for counseling services. I created a thing I called, “Lunch Booth” which was when I made myself available to students to teach them origami and to answer any questions they had about managing stress, emotions, peer pressure, general life stuff. I would also share my ideas about the complex nature of drug use and stressed that it is NOT a moral failing and shared ideas about how internalized trauma impacts relational, social, and learning skills plus other life stuff. I did Lunch Booth weekly and consistently and very soon after that I had a full caseload.
In my private life I was experimenting with candle magick and spells, slowly growing my badass witch abilities. Sometimes I would dabble in sex magick (a practice that has been a part of my life since I was 18, although back then I did not call it sex magick). I continued to meet new people and strengthen some close friendships with people who I consider to be a part of my family of choice. Dating was rough. It felt as though I was being blocked. I am not sure if I can describe the feeling accurately enough. I wanted to try dating but meeting new people in that way kept not working out for some reason.
I continued to focus on my work. If I had to highlight one main theme that comes up again and again when it comes to kids and drug experimentation or use is the lack of a strong parent/child bond ; it is always a relationship that is strained and/or fragmented in some way. It is a profound loss. Not sure if I could adequately put words to that loss. There are a lot of frustrations with working within the school system and substance use counseling. Everyday I see how these systems need improvement to actually be more helpful to more people.
When I zoom out from my everyday life and think about the collective, all current systems need to be revised to actually be more inclusive.
In October of 2023 I felt called to go in for an astrology reading. My intuition felt blurry and I needed clarification. In that reading I received more clarification about the past life violent murders. The many, seemingly infinite past lives and soulmate connections with Jim. I also got confirmations about my abilities, specifically my manifestation abilities, which check out; I had used candle and sex magick to help bring me more money. I was also told that my mediumship abilities would strengthen soon, which was also reflective with what I had been experiencing. I was also informed that the soulmate connection with Jim was DONE.
Confusion! I had been thinking about him for months even though I tried very hard NOT to think about him.
“I’m confused. The last time I saw you, you said that Jim was the soulmate. This is so confusing.” Also, by the way, genuine soulmate connections on planet Earth at this time are exceedingly rare, less than 13% of all relationships are soulmate relationships. Soulmate connections can be romantic or it can be friendship or familial or whatever else. Soulmate relationships are NOT always romantic. Most relationships are karmic. Human beings have a lot of lessons to learn and messes to clean up within their relationships. I will go ahead and highlight that I am not arrogant enough to believe I should automatically be in the soulmate category.
The reader responded bluntly, “Sometimes spirit guides will do things to fuck with you.”
I was crying, mostly out of confusion and frustration. This spiritual awakening bullshit felt so exhausting. At that moment I wanted my old life back.
She gently told me, “When two souls have lived many lives together but don’t have a relationship in the current life; sometimes one or both people will tap into residual energy and that could look like having deep feelings or a connection even though in the current life there is no reference point. You have lived many lives. You need to know that this will not be the only time you experience something like this.”
I continued to sob hard and loudly.
The reader then shared that she also has a couple of bonds like this and every once in a while she will receive a download or energetic knowing and then feels compelled to check in with them to make sure they are okay. Hearing about her experiences made me feel sooooo much better and less alone.
But I still left that session feeling more frustrated and confused than ever.
Over the next several months I saw two different legitimate psychics about this current life and whether or not I have a soulmate. I was hoping one or both of them would say that I am not meant to have a soulmate in this life and that I can have all the karmic, surface, superficial, casual sex dominated relationships that my heart desires. Just kidding…sort of.
Psychic 1:
I was very direct with my questions. “Am I meant to have a soulmate in this life? Would this relationship be for both our highest good? Is he from my past or my future?”.
After conferring with her and my guides, she responded, “You are meant to have a soulmate in this life.”
Damn it!
She continued, “This relationship will be for both your highest good. Most relationships are not mutually beneficial so this is rare. You will meet this person through work. Not your job but another way”. I confirmed that I would start a six month coaching program in January.
Psychic 2:
This time I went to a psychic medium who could access the akashic records. Again, I got confirmation about the intense murders in the past lives. How my feminine has been brutalized and fragmented. She was able to access some memories from the past life I lived prior to this current life. It was sometime in the 1700’s and in France, I worked as a prostitute and madam. I was free to live my own life despite the dark reality of the work I engaged in. And I enjoyed my freedom. I reveled how I was free from the burden of motherhood and what a trap that was. I was also addicted to absinthe. (Quick side note: For months my favorite incense to burn has been an incense that was inspired by absinthe, it is called Green Fairy ; a very interesting confirmation). Of course, Jim’s soul and my soul had a relationship in this life. He tried to convince me to create a life with him but I refused. He had more mainstream success and recognition, however, I was so afraid of losing my freedom. I was also afraid of the judgment of other people. I also had a lot of revulsion for my body. Considering I was a sex worker at that time, I had a lot of reproductive health issues.
The psychic also confirmed my manifestation ability. And that I specifically needed to pay extra care to my thoughts, words, and actions. To aid in my healing she suggested I make a list of all the things I am fearful of and a plan to address those fears ; also make rest a priority and to align with the moon cycles. She also gave me a reference for a local hypnotherapist (I wound up seeing that hypnotherapist on February 5th for our first session) and suggested that I work on, “letting go of the past” and to “work on empathy”.
I asked her about the past soulmate connections with Jim. I told her that I had been wondering if in those past lives maybe he had a part to play in the many brutal murders my soul has experienced ; maybe by being dismissive or manipulative or gaslighting or something else. She confirmed with our guides and said, “He always tries to stop it. He gets overpowered by other people”. I was afraid she was going to say that. That is an awful and ugly truth ; the experience of being overpowered by others and witnessing someone you love experience a terrible death.
She suggested that I call Jim, “The worst thing that could happen is he could say I don’t think about you”. I did have to agree that the stakes were low in this situation. Especially since I already knew I would write him a message via Facebook Messenger. The thought of calling him was not an option. I cringed at the thought. Besides, writing a message to him, I could take my time and be intentional AF.
Remember how I said, I can communicate with spirits? You know, sometimes Hollywood portrays things fairly accurately from time to time. You know how in some shows or movies when a ghost wants to communicate with the living, the ghost messes with the lights or some other electronics? Sometimes that is exactly how they communicate with the living. A few weeks after seeing that psychic medium, I was still contemplating and crafting what I would write to Jim. I thought about what I would write to him when I was doing the dishes, cooking food, riding my bike, doing documentation at work; as I went about my day, I was on autopilot in the physical world and very much in my mind for the most part thinking about what I wanted to write to him. I knew I couldn’t just keep randomly messaging this guy forever, there has to come a point where there is a cut off. All of this started in the fall of 2021, it was now 2024. I had to get some kind of resolution and/or make peace that there are many mysteries in life ; which could very well include this situation.
I was watching a movie, Easy A. I was enjoying rewatching this movie. The last time I saw it was when it came out and I had forgotten how funny the movie was. I was about half way through the movie when the hallway light started flickering, that light is not known for flickering. Then the movie on my laptop started to slow and stop playing altogether. All of my roommates were out of the house so I knew I was alone and no one would hear me talking to myself. “I will start writing to him when I finish this movie. I don’t usually watch movies. I am really enjoying this. LET ME FINISH THIS MOVIE”, I stated as assertively as I could. The hall light stopped flickering and the movie resumed. When the movie ended, I opened a new google doc and started writing. I thought it would take me weeks to write something with clarity but it wound up taking me a few hours. It felt like the words just poured from my brain onto the screen.
I wrote how I had noticed odd coincidences throughout the years. He had attended the same college my dad went to. During the time Jim attended that school, my dad had given me two college sweatshirts from his alma mater (not before or after Jim attended that school but during). At the time I didn’t read anything into it. I literally thought my dad was being sweet towards me and went on with my day. I noted how his sister “friended” me on Facebook not long after I decided to switch my profile to private (I was getting tired of random people asking for friend requests). During that time I was in the midst of a deep depression, I think was about 22 or 23 at that time. I knew his sister didn’t even like me. She thought I was too weird. She’s not wrong. The most recent incident happened in the fall of 2021, my dad gave me a bottle of some yummy artisan cocktail mixer to make an old fashioned, which I know was a gift from Jim because I had experienced a very intense and scary intuitive hit about Jim and when I went to make myself a very strong old fashioned, I looked at the bottle more closely, read the back of the label and noticed this mixer was made just two hours from where Jim lived. When I read the label, all of my intuitive senses started ringing. Funny, another coincidence!
I wrote to him how I had sincerely hoped that he didn’t drag his childhood crush into his adulthood. How when the last time I saw him, he had invited me to see a school play with him and his siblings and as I watched the play all I could think about at that time were the many realistic ways I could potentially kill myself because I really could not envision a future. I had also hoped that he would get older, go off to college and meet a girl who made the most sense to him. I wrote about how grateful I felt towards him. If he hadn’t given me that bottle of mixer, I most likely would have kept ignoring the intuitive hits that I was experiencing. I had been ignoring the intuitive hits for a couple of years prior. I expressed my gratitude towards him because ultimately he was the catalyst that I actually needed to WAKE up. To awaken. And finally in that message, I highlighted that in this life we do not know each other ; I have no idea if we would even get along. I offered if he felt the need to talk about things that we could talk about things.
I sent the message.
A few weeks went by and then I found out that Jim and his wife had a child together, very, very recently.
Am I crazy?
Was I being given intuitive hits by mischievous entities that really wanted to fuck with me?
Was I maybe tapping into an alternate universe where Jim and I do have a relationship?
Should I move back to France???
I felt shocked with the news about the child. I had no idea about the pregnancy. I reluctantly called my adoptive parents who I hadn’t been speaking with for about a year. I was confused because I had been consistently getting intuitive hits about Jim since 2021. What the hell?
“Hello?”, Stephanie answered.
“Hey, I need to talk with David”. Tense pause as I waited for him to reach the telephone.
“Hey…….Um, I’m confused. I have been getting hits about Jim for a while now, and—-”.
He cut me off, “Jim and his wife just recently had their baby.”
“I know. I’m happy for them”.
“Are you? Are you happy for them?”. His tone was condescending, ughh, he can be such an asshole.
“I have been getting these intense hits about Jim. I’m just confused”.
“Phoebe, are you seeing anyone about this”. The way he said “this” was loaded with judgment.
Fucker, if only you knew about the money, the time, the energy, the sleepless nights, the tears that I have spent.
I hung up the phone.
Confusion, confusion, confusion. What was the point of all of this? Why now? Why out of all of the years was I experiencing all of these potent and intense hits about this fucker Jim? He is just a guy. I don’t even know him. I have to end this now.
I wrote Jim a final message. I wrote about how these past few years with experiencing energy and intuition, especially about him have been intensely perspective shifting. These experiences have forced me to meditate about love. How before these experiences, I looked down on love. I believed people who were chasing love were Suckers. I was arrogant. But with all of these experiences, I now have a more holistic understanding and appreciation, which has widened my frame of reference. I am happy that you both created new life, a baby. I am relieved, very relieved. It has been a tortuous thought just thinking about you having unresolved feelings towards me from our teenage years and dragging that into adulthood. I don’t get off on believing that people are dreadfully living their lives in agony while secretly pining away for me. I’m too sensitive for that shit. I hope fatherhood gives you the experiences and self knowledge that you are expecting and hopeful for.
If you or someone from your inner circle ever goes through a spiritual awakening, it might be helpful to know that it can be inconvenient and not for the faint of heart. Support is helpful. I am a person who knows herself very well and thoroughly ; and these experiences have shoved me to my limits. Someone who is easily influenced or manipulated, well, I imagine that would be hell.
Yesterday I was doing this cord cutting chant for our souls. It goes like this, “I release you with a full heart, with love for the place you once held in my life. May you be happy in the life you have chosen. I now take back all the energy that has been taken from me or that I have given away and I return the energy that I still hold from you. May I be free from the ties that bind us. May all cords be cut, transmuted and dissolved. May all energy return to its original sender”. As I was doing this chant, I looked at the time and noticed it was 11:11 am. It is believed that seeing 11:11 is a reminder that we have a soul plan or destiny–a path laid out for us by the universe.
I am very happy that you both get to experience raising a child together.
Be safe.
Much Love.
Phoebe
As I did that chant, I experienced this feeling of clarity and lightness that I hadn’t had since 2021. This feeling of clarity and the confirmation of seeing 11:11 solidified that I had done the right thing even though all of this was sooooo difficult and pushed me beyond what I was comfortable with. I knew I did the right thing with the cord cutting chant because it is for the highest good of all.
A couple days later I got another intuitive urge. I went on to Instagram. I was looking at photos of the baby. Then I started noticing how intensely maternal and protective I felt towards this child. Then I noticed the date that was listed as the day of birth. My brain was on fire. I had recently started studying numerology. I quickly ran some numbers. Holy shit. This child will be intensely tuned into energy and intuitive, most likely will have psychic abilities.
Then a whole slew of snapshots from my childhood and the past several years came into focus in my mind.
As an intuitive child myself, I grew up very afraid all of the time, afraid of everything. The dismissiveness, the misunderstanding, the gaslighting, the manipulation that I experienced as a child and teen ; all of those experiences took me further away from my authentic self and created so much confusion.
Working in the addiction counseling field, I am well aware that when people are more tuned into energy AND deeply misunderstood by their parents and other caring adults in their life ; things don’t go well, they go horribly wrong.
I know so many people get diagnosed with a mental illness when that is not the core issue at all, not really. Again, things go horribly wrong for a lot of people who are deeply misunderstood.
Then the images of all of the children and adults I have worked with over the years came into sharp focus in my mind. The heartbreak, the loneliness, the violence, the attempts at self soothing.
I knew I could not message Jim again. That was DONE. I just can’t keep interfering with his life. Soooo, instead I texted his mother. In 2021, she helped me talk through some of the intuitive and mediumship experiences I was having at that time. She was familiar with my kind of crazy. ;)
What I communicated was that I was only relaying a message.
And, “I need to share this information with you. Please know my intention is coming from a soul level, humanitarian place. I suppose you could say destiny is at the core of this.”--I went on to describe some basics about numerology and how this child’s birth date indicates that they will have psychic abilities. “Please go to a legit numerologist. They will need his birth time for a complete reading. People who are deeply sensitive like this, need a lot of support and understanding. Their soul is here to help heal the world. I had to give you this message. I don’t want to continue messaging Jim. I’m afraid it is freaking him out or pissing him off.”.
Whhheeeeeww!!!! I laughed to myself. Ugh, all of this time I was always supposed to be a messenger. I reflected on the past few years and noted how my life is now very different, I am very different. I am not who I was, or who I thought I was, prior to 2021. Through all of the confusion, the highs and lows, I now had a definitive answer. More clarity came through for me, which, I reveled in because I know it is only a matter of time before another confusing intuitive hit comes to me and I am off on another psychic adventure. :)
Much Peace and Love.
Lessons I have learned about myself from these experiences (so far)
Letting go of what no longer serves (people, places, behaviors,
things). Ego deaths, many.
Reclaiming and strengthening my abilities so I can live the life my soul insists on living
I’m still in the process of learning to live with less fear
I am not here to be liked, I am here to be authentic
The people who are meant for me will come without force
A few songs I listened to as I wrote this:
Lovers in a Past Life ; Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man
Heaven Takes You Home ; Swedish House Mafia, Connie Constance
Lay Low ; Tiesto
You Will See ; Quarterhead, SESA